Zim the Exile
by sikeokilla
Summary: Alternate universe. Zim is exiled with his knowledge. Skooge and Tak are exiled with him. Gaz and Dib are going through high school when three aliens and their robots join the high school and create mayhem. ZimxGaz TakxDib ZitaxSkooge GirxMimi
1. The departure

This is an Alternate Universe. These characters are GOING to be DIFFERENT from their cannon selves, though I will try to keep them as close to their origional selves as I can. This series is set around the time Gaz would be 16 and Dib would be 17.

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the settings in which they appear.

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><p>Crazy Zim. That's what they all called him when they thought he couldn't hear them. It was outrageous, he wasn't insane he was a genius. Why couldn't they see that?<p>

"Frycook Zim..." the tallest in red began

"Just Zim if you don't mind." he huffed indignantly.

"Under normal traditions you would be placed in a much higher position. You measure at five point seventy five vertical units. Almost as tall as we, THE TALLEST, at a whopping SIX vertical units."

Zim smirked at the irkens leaning on the railings of the court room. The short little insects were glaring at him with envy. There were only two irkens (besides the tallests) who were almost as tall as him. One was Zim's friend Skoodge and the other was some irken female.

Skoodge was a little wide but not grotesquely so. He refused to wear any of the uniforms that the tallest instructed him to. He preferred to make his own clothes. Chains hung off of the baggy pants he wore. He'd sown twelve pockets onto the pants for easy access to multiple instruments. His shirt was not red or purple or pink. It was black, devoid of color, only he and Zim knew why he wore it.

The female was dressed in the standard invader uniform even though everyone knew she had never offically become one. She had attempted to maul Zim for this fact many times under some skewed logic. She claimed that he had been the sole cause of "The Incident" even though he'd calmly explained to her many times that he had fallen asleep in the middle of the sidewalk that day. It was only coincidence that he ended up inside of the mech. Wasn't it?

The purple clothed tallest turned to Skoodge and the female. "And you two. Tak you haven't gone through the Invader registration but you constantly stow away on missions. And Skoodge...you're just really really weird. Seriously what's up with the black?"

"Purple you're getting off topic." Red hissed to his fellow ruler before addressing the three of them once again. "Zim you destroyed half of our planet and ruined Impeding Doom I..."

"Allegedly!"

"Zim you were seen piloting the mech that destroyed the city."

"That could have been any old irken."

"You were screaming 'I am ZIM!' the entire time."

"Obviously I was framed."

Red just stared at him for several second before continuing. "We have let the three of you slide for FAR too long. But this, this is the last straw." He pointed down at the box in front of him. Red's claws ripped the lid off of the top and displayed the contents to the entire court room. "I specifically ordered half glazed donuts and half chocalate glazed!" The irkens surrounding the three gasped as the tallest displayed a box filled with nothing but glazed donuts.

"The chocolate ones are disgusting. The regular glazed are much better." Zim said.

"Zim's right, the chocolate ones are nasty." Skoodge backed his friend up.

Tak stared at both of them and then up at the tallest. "My tallest I only drove the truck I swear I had no idea that these two morons tampered with the order."

"SILENCE! This has gone on for far too long. You three shall be exiled to the farthest reaches of the universe so as not to disturb Impending Doom II." Tallest Red turned to the map behind him and found the planet farthest from their operation. It was a small blue and green planet on the outskirts of the known universe. He jabbed his finger into the map so hard that it tore the fabric. "HERE! We're going to send you here, but to show you that we are merciful we'll allow you each to take a SIR unit from our excess storage."

The tallests led the three along down the corridor to door marked "defective equpment". Zim wasn't paying attention to the sign as he rushed eagerly through the door and into the room, Tak didn't notice the sign because she wanted to try and get the best SIR possible before anyone else. Skoodge never finished learning the irken language and so could not read the sign.

The room was filled with roughly twenty piles of scrapped tech. If something got busted it was sent here. Be it an exploded casing or a missing battery it was all the same to the tallest who didn't see the point in repairing anything they could just make more of.

Tak was scouring one particullarly large heap of SIRs when she suddenly noticed something strange. The SIRs were all in one type of disrepair or another. And beyond that none of them seemed to have any upgrades whatsoever. As she this last thought entered her mind a gleam caught her eye and she noticed a MKIII Slicing Claw Arm sticking out of the pile she ran to the shining blades. She yanked the bot out of the pile and began to examine it. A second generation holographic disguise was built into the SIR. The blades of the claws were intact and it had a built in face shield. She popped the top to examine the it's neural unit. 'Amazing' Tak thought to herself 'it's hardly damaged at all. There are a few fuses that need replacing but other than that it's in great shape. She hefted the SIR onto her back and began to march to were the tallests waited. She couldn't wait to rub this in Zim's face.

Zim and Skoodge were both searching for SIR units together. They passed up one with a blown out vision module and another with a busted vocal unit. As soon as they were out of the tallests' sight Zim turneed to Skoodge. "Alright while we're in here let's try and grab anything that may be of use. This new planet sounds like a hole in the ground and I doubt we'll come across the technology that we are used to. I don't care if it's a busted up thruster or an particularly well built hollogram that's missing a wire just grab it."

"Why don't the tallest just fix this stuff? It would save more monies and free up alot of space."

"Because they're morons."

"I wonder why I keep forgeting that."

"No matter let's split up. See if you can't smuggle things inside of the empty spaces of your SIR. OOO a breeding tube they always have spare wires."

Skoodge sighed as he walked away from his friend. Zim was a well known psychopath. Skoodge had met him one day while they were in basic training. It was a requirement for all Irkens to pass basic training. Basic training consisted of Irken History, Science and Technology of the galaxy, Physical Fitness, and Mathematics.

Skoodge hated this education much preferring literature and art to anything else, he often obtained literary works and drawing supplies from local boot-legers. For whatever reason Skooge was able to read almost any language that wasn't irken.

He sat in the back of class next to Zim. Zim would help Skoodge cheat on all of his tests and the two eventually became very close. That being said Skoodge knew that Zim was a bit off kilter. Occasionaly Zim would black out and go into a frenzy. Strangely enough he remembered nothing of any of the events which took place during these episodes, although he WAS able to remember who his friends were in any state.

Skoodge dug through a nearby pile of rubbish and found what he was looking for. The SIR unit was a metric unit shorter than any of the normal units but beyond that may as well have been brand new. Now that his SIR was collected he just needed to find some spare parts. Searching nearby he found an atomizer with a missing bulb and spare sheets of metal. Using the hollow space of his SIR's legs and chest he quickly hid these finds along with a set of tools that was only missing one of the wrenches. Satisfied he began his trek back to the tallests, and his new future.

Zim was coming along perfectly he had found enough spare parts to build a plasma core from scratch and had more than a few weapons and wires to go with them. He found a SIR unit that appeared to be almost completely empty and quickly filled the sir with his treasures. He found a nearby neural unit and quickly jacked it into the SIR. Upon a second look he found some musical recordings and quickly jammed them into the SIRs head as well. Seeing that the neural unit was slightly damaged he grabbed some nearby paper clips and gum and fashioned a makeshift solution.

"BRILLIANT!" He scremed in triumph before zipping off to meet the others.

The tallest had a ship set aside for them inside were barely enough provisions to get them through a galactic week. The only other equipment provided was a crappy out-dated pop up base. The underground passages of their base would be less than a normal base. To prove to themselves that they weren't that cruel the tallest also left the three with three galactic weeks worth of Irken Liquor. The ship had only enough fuel to get them to the planet and was rigged to self destruct upon entrance into the planet's atmosphere.

"Alright have a terrible trip you three."

"Fuck you!" they all screamed back in unison before the hatch was closed and the ship was launched.

"Well we may as well activate our SIRs while we're here we an entire galactic week before we reach the planet."* Tak sighed though she was only too eager to activate her's.

Zim and Skoodge looked at each other and nodded. They extracted all of the parts they had smuggled from the junk heaps. Congratulating each other on particularly useful items. Tak face palmed 'why didn't I think of that?' she silently wondered.

They all stared at the SIRs. The units were five units tall except for Skoodg's which was only four. Tak seeing that the other two weren't going to begin was too excited to wait a second longer.

Tak jammed a finger into the activation button and waited for the SIR to come soaring to life. The SIR's hand came up to meet it's forehead just above it's vibrant red eyes and it saluted. "Mimi reporting for duty mistress!" it procalimed in a feminine yet child-like voice.

Tak squealed with delight before hugging the newly christened Mimi. "Okay Skoodge you next."

Skoodge nodded solemly before pressing the activation button of his own SIR unit. The units eyes flickered to life in a glowing green and it stared up at it's new master. "Name's Zeke. What do you want ,Master?" The SIR units tone skewed the last word with a hint of sarcasm.

Skoodge stared at the SIR unit before turning to his irken counterparts. "It's got the personality virus. I believe that this particular strain of the virus is the insubordinate sarcastic type...Though this could be a flash strain mimicking the psychotic state of multiple personalities."

"Let's hope Zim's SIR is a little less annoying."

Zim's finger gently pushed the button in slowly until he heard a soft click. He waited patiently but nothing happened. He turned to his counterparts "Must be bus..." Zim was interuppted by the SIR unit latching on to his face.

"YEEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAA!" It screeched. "Hi I'm Gir. I like cookies and brownies and squirrels and I know lotsa songs too wanna hear one?" The three irkens looked to one another for some explanation too shocked to speak. "Yay. You's gonna LOVE this one."


	2. The arrival

I forgot to add that a galactic week is an earth month. We open on our favorite characters nearing the end of their journey.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or settings. Though no man can truly OWN much more than his own soul.

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><p>The three irkens were studying their destination's history, language, and customs. The entire journey had been spent studying, relaxing, and listening to Gir and his song. When Zim had shoved the bootlegged music recordings into Gir's head some part of his neural unit had latched onto the material. He had a flare for singing and not a bad voice, songwriting...not so much.<p>

"Doom doom doom doom doom doom,

doom doom do DOOM,

DOOOM doom do-doom,

DOOM do-doom doom doooom,

doom doom dooom, do-do-DOOOM!"

At first they attempted to block out his singing with ear plugs. This only succeded in making Gir sing louder. Eventually they just started getting drunk whenever Gir began singing again. Thanks to Gir what should have lasted the irkens three galactic weeks was down to a little less than half a galactic weeks worth of booze. Gir had a short attention span and 'The Doom Song', as he had taken to calling it was just to keep him occupied when noone would entertain him. The song was seemingly endless once started and if the irkens had been alone in a ship with barely enough room for standing and no gadgets the song could have lasted forever. Normally an irken wouldn't need to sleep but being an exile meant not being connected to the control brain and that meant that they had to rest. So as they each popped the top off of the potent irken made alcoholic beverages they did so with the knowledge that tomorrow they'd wake up with splitting headaches and blurry memories. But at least they wouldn't be able to hear Gir's singing curled up at the bottom of their respective bottles.

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><p>The next day<p>

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><p>As the exiles all woke and walked to the console groggily they each grabbed one of the last three food packages and their textbooks. Zim sat down in a chair and started reading up on the languages of the planet as he crunched on the last bite of irken cooking he'd have for a while, at the least.<p>

As he read through the text Gir brought him the irken 'morning draught'. Zim sipped at the hot and bitter tasting drink and peered lazily over his book at the veiwport. Seeing only a blue and green planet he returned to his reading. And then he realized what he'd just seen and leaped from his chair and dramatically flung his finger in the direction of the planet screaming "Planet dead ahead. Everyone prepare for decent to the surface. Skoodge grab the supplies. Tak drag the landing aid out here."

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><p>Meanwhile down on the surface of the planet...<p>

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><p>Dib was preparing for his date, it was his first. Admiteldy sad as he was already a junior in high school and most of the people he knew had already been on a date by junior high. It wasn't because Dib was physically unatractive or obviously stupid, though his sister would argue otherwise. Dib was simply a dreamer with high expectations, he constantly chased after the paranormal in the hopes that he would one day find something. He also hoped to save the world that he might prove his worth to the community.<p>

He was attempting to get his unruly spike of hair to lay flat on his head (and failing miserably I might add) when suddenly an alarm went off and his mirror fell out of place to reveal a large console. Dib quickly typed in his password and gasped when he saw what the alert was for. An extraterrestrial craft was entering earth's atmosphere. He quickly checked the coordinates the computer estimated it would land. Hurriedly scribbling them down Dib yanked open his window and leaped from his roof. Sprinting to his garage he leaped into his car and gunned the engine. The small black bettle tore down the street as a very confused young woman stared after it.

"Dib?" she asked as if the boy was there to tell her whether or not they were still going out. She would have to wait till school tommorow to get that answer.

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><p>Salpotyc Park 9:00 P.M. Thirty Minutes Later...<p>

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><p>Zim,Skoodge, Tak, Gir, Zeke, and Mimi all climbed into the small car sized pod with supplies in tow. It was built a lot like the humans modern combustion run vehicles with just enough room for the passengers and some supplies. The plasma core hummed as Zim activated the propulsion system and light bending mirrors. Zim coaxed the now invisible craft out of the back hatch of the ship and they were air born.<p>

"Now that we're out of the death trap can we find a place to lay down the ship, I'm tired." Skoodge muttered through a yawn.

"Zim too requires the rest of nonwakefullness."

Tak frowned at Zim's off kilter statement, " Why can't you talk like a normal irken."

"Because I am no ordinary irken. For your information Zim is a genius and that means that Zim may speak as he pleases."

Tak sighed in defeat, "Whatever."

Skoodge piped up "How about there Zim? Between those two houses inside that circular stone transportation path. See it's the path with the large viewing tube on the corner."

"Skoodge Zim believes that the viewing tube you speak of is meant for viewing distant planets. But Zim also thinks that the destination you have chosen is as good as any."

Zim parked the small craft hovering a foot above the street. He pulled out the pop up bases pod and walked to the gap. Under the flickering light of the street lamp Zim activated the small glowing cube. A base shaped like the human ones sparng up between the two residences. Resource gathering tubes shot from the sides of the hose and quickly latched into it's neighboring counterparts. Four garden gnomes appeared on the stone path that extended from the base like a red carpet welcoming it's owner. Zim knew that unseen to the naked eye the base was also digging it's root-like tunnels into the soil. He smiled to himself, got back into the pod and steered it into the newly formed (but extremely narrow) parking area. He closed the parking areas overhead door and quickly proceded inside the base. He Skoodge and Tak all found a place to sleep as the SIRs were left to explore their new home.

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><p>Elsewhere...<p>

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><p>Dib ran to the wreckage of the ship. It had crash landed in the park and there was no sign of life inside. As he approached the ship it suddenly imploded with a bright purple flash. Dib's eyes were forced shut by the brightness. When he opened them up again there was only a deep indentation in the ground.<p>

"Great, just perfect. Why is this always the way my life goes?" Dib fumed as headed back towards his car with little more than shattered hopes.


	3. Shaky beginnings

Zim woke to a high pitched squealing the likes of which he had never heard before. "Mastah you gots ta wake up. I made waffles."

Zim pushed his body up from the bed and sat with his eyes squinted shut for a few moments. The only thought that came to mind at this early hour was 'What the hell is a waffle?'. Zim begrudgingly got out of bed and stumbled down the upstairs hallway to the stairs. His eyes were still jammed shut so he had to feel his way down the stairs. When he reached the second landing he heard the wacky sounds of morning cartoons to his left and the sound of things cooking around the corner in the kitchen.

"Good morning Zim." Tak managed to get out before darkly chuckling from her seat at the table. She knew how much Zim hated mornings and was perfectly willing to take advantage of his discomfort. "So how is our big strong Irken male this morning?" ,she coaxed with false sincerity barely hidden behind a honey sweet voice.

"Tak you forget that Zim has done this with you before. And today Zim is just going to ignore you and eat whatever the squealy robot of his has made."

"I made some of em with special 'gredients just fo you mastah."

Zim reached out looking between his still partially closed eyelids and grabbed one of the square bread like food-objects. He pulled it up to his mouth and took a bite before purring with delight. "Gir this is more delicious than the chips they used to serve on irk."

That's not even one of the ones with the special stuff inside mastah." Gir said proudly before grabbing another waffle off the table and handing it to Zim. " Here try this one."

This time when Zim went to take a bite he shoved half the square into his mouth and bit down. He then proceeded to hurl all over the kitchen floor. "Ugh I've been poisoned good god Gir what did you put in that waffle?"

"Hot sauce and soap." Gir said with a goofy smile.

"Every breakfast is gonna be like Russian roulette in this house isn't it?" Zim sighed as he sipped at his morning draught.

Skoodge nodded solemnly "Welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives."

As the two male Irken fell silent Tak huffed impatiently. "We don't have time to feel sorry for ourselves we have to go to school." Skoodge, Gir, Zim, and Zeke all stared at Tak in confusion as she just growled in agitation and began walking away. "I don't have time to explain it to you. You should have paid more attention during our studies of earth. Mimi fill them in, a female has to look her best."

Mimi turned to the four and began pacing back and forth in front of them as she spoke. "Earth requires that all humans under a specific age are to attend a learning/brainwashing facility known as school. As we are relatively young looking and small in build the mistress has proposed that we pose as average human beings. We have limited cloaking and holograph technology so improvisation may be necessary."

At this point in Mimi's explanation Tak strolled back into the room wearing a shiny silver wrist watch and clutching a few others. "The SIR units are the most important to disguise as they are the most easily noticed." She gave one wrist watch to each sir unit as she said this. "That leaves only one other watch and I'm giving it to Skoodge. Zim I hope you take this personally because it was meant to be taken that way. Now everyone who has a wrist watch needs to calibrate it with a disguise that you will personally design. This will only cover you with a skin layer so I suggest you get the computer to make you something if you don't have any suitable clothes." As she said this last part she stared at Zim pointedly.

"What are you insinuating Tak? What is wrong with what I, ZIM, am wearing?" They all stared at Zim's regulation uniform and tights and then back to Tak for an explanation.

"Because Zim only human females wear clothes like that."

"Zim does not believe you. I think you just want to make me look stupid in front of the dirt monkeys."

Tak's brow furrowed in frustration, "For once Zim I'm actually trying to help you NOT make a fool of yourself, especially since as per our cover story we're all related."

Zim stood glaring at Tak before giving up his side of the argument. He muttered a grudging agreement before ordering the computer to bring up six disguise capsules in the living room. Each of the exiles stepped in to create a look for themselves.

Tak activated her holo-disguise only to find that she was the first to exit a pod. She stared at her reflection in the glass of the frame that held a monkey. Her hair was a dark blue and was cut in a short style ending mid-neck. The hairstyle framed her face and two spikes came out from the rest and rested an inch from the outer rim of her eyes. She had dark gray eye shadow on and her face was very pale. Her clothes consisted of skin tight black jeans and a sin tight long sleeved shirt. A purple and black striped over shirt reaching her knees went over these two items and her feet wer covered by black combat boots.

A hiss went off to her left and she turned to watch a human looking Skoodge come out of his chamber. His head was covered by a flattop of orange hair and his eyes were a dark obsidian green. He wore a bright red shirt with a large maroon stripe across the belly. He still wore his custom made multi-pocket pants with the heavy detachable chains hanging from the sides. He wore large square black shoes with bright red laces.

Mimi and Gir both left their tubes at the same time and the two Irken speculated over the similarity of the robots human identities. Gir had light gray hair worn in a large tangled mess that reached his mid-neck. He wore a turquoise t-shirt with a brown and gold plaid button up shirt over top of it. Flat bottomed black shoes covered his feet and black slacks that were two sizes too long covered the distance between his feet and his torso. His eyes were filled by his bright glowing turquoise pupils. On top of his head he wore a cap fashioned from an outdated costume. It was a green dog's head with large white eyes and floppy black ears. The costume was meant to mimic that of the Glorkian canine but was two feet too short for him. They had to admit that the hat's odd style suited Gir's personality quite nicely. Then there was Mimi.

Mimi's dark grey hair came to her shoulders in a straight orderly fashion. She wore a light purple t-shirt with the Irken word for snacks written in clear white, under which her black ankle length skirt flowed like a fluent waterfall of shadow. She wore a heavy pair of combat boots with a shiny steel casing at the end. A dark purple hoodie presided over all of these things. The hood of said hoodie was built to resemble the horned demon-feline of Taramenziah. The irises of her eyes were a bloody red and her bangs hung neatly over her forehead.

Zeke came out of his pod with dirty blond hair worn in a neat comb over that covered half his face. His eyes were a bright vibrant neon green and he had a small metal ball topped piercing in his nostril. His orange shirt displayed the words "What's it to you?" spelled with all manner of combat tools. His denim jeans slid down to meet his red hi-topped converse and he wore a belt that had a Kiss belt buckle. He stared defiantly at the eyes that were trained on him. "What the hell do you want?"

"Damn guy calm down." Gir said with a goofy giggle.

They all stared at the final tube, seeing as how the rest had all retracted after use. After several moments of silence Tak wrapped her knuckles on the door loudly. "Today Zim!" she said.

A hiss was heard from the tube and the door slid open and out stepped Zim. He wore contacts with clear irises giving him the look of a red eyed boy. His dark blue hair came up in a spiked pattern miming that of the Saiyans on planet Vegeta. He wore a black t-shirt with a cracked skull on it, the crack running from the top left of the skull to it's left eyehole. His Irken uniform was worn over this like a jacket and you could see the jagged frayed line were Zim had taken scissors to it. His black leather gloves rested against the denim of his jeans and the bottoms were stuffed into his dark green combat boots.

Zim, not quite awake yet shuffled to the counter and grabbed some canisters of morning draught and Irken liquor before stuffing them into an Irken military pack (built like a backpack strangely enough) and headed out the door with everyone else in tow. They were a sight to see walking up the sidewalk of the cul-de-sac. They stopped on the corner where a sign was posted that clearly stated 'school bus' in large letters with a black outline of the vehicle in question. As they waited for the bus Tak couldn't help but look to the right and stare at the large telescopic lens protruding from the backyard of the house on the corner.

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><p>Meanwhile in that very house...<p>

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><p>A girl with purple hair stood waiting for her brother so that they could journey to high school on the bus and get the day over with. The girl's amber eyes were just barely opened and her purple hair came to her shoulders where it made a slight curl. Her bangs made a ninety degree angle after sticking three inches out from her hairline. It made a jaw like appearance and the longest strands of her bangs (the ends) came to her eye level, few knew that this look was natural and even fewer lived to talk about it. She wore a form fitting black dress with a knee-length black skirt. A metallic alloy covered her midriff, arms, and most of her legs. The other half of her legs were covered by solid pair of boots made of a combination of the metallic alloy and purple leather. Dangling from her neck and resting on her bosom was a white three toothed skull with no lower jaw. It was the only possession besides her game-slave four thousand that she ever held any affection for.<p>

Gaz was never kind and was normally quicker to anger with Dib, especially in the mornings. Hell she'd given him thirty whole seconds after calling his name and he still hadn't made himself visible. "Damnit I didn't wanna have to doom someone before lunch and here Dib is making me do it before school." Gaz growled as she stomped up the stairs.

Dib was resting soundly in bed having stayed out late looking for any scrap of evidence he could use to prove what he'd seen. If only he'd come home a couple hours earlier he might not have met the terrible fate that Gaz was about to bestow upon him. Gaz burst into the room with a toy beaver and a toy school bus grinning like a demon.

* * *

><p>Down on the street...<p>

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><p>Tak was still staring at the house when a male voice cried out in agony from within. It was at this point that she decided to stop watching. Minutes later a male human with a large head and a strange hairstyle stepped out of the house with a purple haired girl, who was tapping away at some device beside him. The boy's black hair was slicked back except for a large portion which jutted up before making a right angle. The boy wore large coke bottle glasses over his brown eyes. A black leather trench coat hung to his knees and a his light blue shirt had a grey circle with a face that appeared to be frowning. He wore black denim pants and his feet were covered by boots which he clearly bought from a military surplus store.<p>

The boy was speaking to the girl excitedly even though she didn't appear to be paying much attention. As he continued talking he looked up to see the six other beings all standing on the corner. His mouth fell open as he stared straight at something. Tak felt over her face wondering frantically if she had a zit. The boy gave a mighty battle cry before bursting forwards, bounding past her, and tackling Zim.

"Zim does not understand, is this some primitive form of greeting that he was not aware of?"

Tak pried Dib off of Zim and started yelling at him "Who the hell do you think you are tackling my brother."

"There's no way that's your brother. He's an alien!"

Tak thought quickly before coming up with a feasible explanation, "He has a skin condition you inconsiderate asshole. Now apologize to him." Tak pointed in the direction of Zim only to find that he had vanished. A yell later and she found were he'd ended up. He had leaped on top of the purple haired girl and was currently holding her in a hug-like embrace. "Aw SHIT!" Tak muttered.

Gir put his hands over his mouth. "Ooooooo you gotta put a dollar in the swear jar."

Tak threw her hand s in the air. "Look what your master's doing."

Gir peered around her. "Ooooooo mastah's in trouble."


	4. First Days Suck Part 1

Zim was sitting on the bus with one hand on his stomach whilst his other hand clutched his cheek.

"I never knew a human could hit so hard." Tak mused as she noted the spot on Zim's face changing colors.

"Zim is almost absolutely certain that his squeedlyspooch is bruised." Zim joked through the pain.

"Mastah I found a penny!" Gir giggled as he ran down the rows of bus seats holding the shiny copper circle. Gir looked down at his find and squealed with delight. "There's a special prize at the bottom of every box!" Gir pulled a gnarled and discolored piece of gum with a hair in it off the back of the penny and began chewing it. He then promptly pulled his sleeve aside and raised his armpit, out of which a gum bubble the size of Gir's head appeared. The bubble popped and the hair flew out and hit a blonde haired girl in the next seat over who proceeded to slap at her own face and scream.

"Well Gir it seems that you cause mayhem wherever you go." Skoodge said from the seat behind Zim.

"Thank you captain obvious, may we have another pearl of impressive wisdom derived from obvious assumptions and observations." Zeke said whilst rolling his startlingly bright green eyes.

Skoodge was not impressed by this dry humor and proceeded to say so "I'm starting to understand why you were in a pile of garbage."

Tak's bangs swung around with her face as she turned to question Skoodge. "What junk pile? Why did you go to a junk pile when the tallest let us choose SIR's from those assembly line storage piles?"

Zim and Skoodge both stared at each other. "Look Tak," Skoodge began "that was the faulty equipment room. And even though your SIR hasn't displayed any signs of it like ours have..."

"I'm in better condition than YOU are fatso."

"Quiet Zeke, my point is that there IS something wrong with your SIR whether you know it or not."

"That's ridiculous, Mimi is perfect. Isn't that right Mimi?" She turned to look at her robotic partner only to be shocked. Mimi was sitting in her seat chuckling at Gir's wacky antics. Gir who had long since become bored with the bubble gum was now doing a handstand. He pulled one hand away from the floor to grab a tuna fish out of his shoe and pop it in his mouth. Mimi laughed at this and promptly asked Gir if she could have 'stinky fish' as well. After being handed the fish however Mimi noticed her mistress's stare and went stiff turning a deaf ear on Gir, who wanted to know if she was going to eat her fish.

"Hmmm, it appears that Mimi has a soft spot for Gir as well as a similar personality, though her child-like attitude is nowhere near as extreme as Gir's."

"Zim suggests that we continue our journey in silence so as to avoid any MORE depression."

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later...<p>

* * *

><p>"There it is, School." Tak said as she glanced up at the four story building.<p>

The city of Salpotyc had set aside very little space for its school. Though the city around the school was quite large and advanced the school itself was a horrible place. The sign was misspelled by someone who probably never made it passed the third grade. Each floor was dedicated to a different age level, the fourth floor was for high school kids, the third floor was junior high, the second was middle school, and elementary school was at the bottom. An auditorium was up on the fourth floor, it doubled as a basketball and volley ball court as well as a meeting room for any established clubs. A small track and field lay out back of the school, the track was square and ran around the perimeter of the football/soccer field. The field was just long enough to meet regulations for a football field. Players learned fairly quickly not to run full speed towards the end zone, if they did they'd wind up with their head through an office building.

The irkens and SIRs stood in front of the school with a sea of students flowing around them with a three foot distance between the new kids and themselves. The only people besides the foreigners that seemed to be avoided were the Membrane siblings. The two groups stared at each other and then up at the building before them.

The sign reminded Zim of what humans used to mark out their earth alcohol dens. Neon lights spelled out the words Skool in bright bold red. The six exiles and the two outcasts all stared up at the odd building each with their own silent thoughts.

Zim wondered how he would spend the rest of his existence on this back woods shit hole of a planet.

Tak brooded over what challenges the day would bring and if Zim would give her reason enough to kill him.

Zeke cerebrated that if everyone on this planet was as dumb as his master he'd clip his own wires.

Skoodge contemplated the possibilities of them surviving their first day.

Mimi faintly mused over whether Gir would share his snacks.

Gir imagined the fun people he was going to meet and the cool adventures he'd be having.

Dib pondered the possibility that all of the new comers were alien invaders even the ones who didn't look the part.

Gaz debated over whether she should kill someone today as it was a new six weeks.

As they all stared up at the Skool a burly high school student bumped Gaz with his arm purposefully thus answering one of the groups queries. This was going to be a LONG day.


	5. First Days Suck Part 2

Sorry for the wait but the next part is finally here.

* * *

><p>Zim quickened his pace and the rhythm of dull thuds echoing from his boots changed with his speed. After receiving their schedules Zim began walking to the first class. The entire walk he divided his attention between the hall, a small map of the school, his schedule, and the two membrane children. The two humans had taken the exact same turns as he had ever since he left the office. Zim was becoming quite unsettled by this fact and quickened his pace once again praying that when he turned left up ahead they would turn right. 'No such luck,' Zim thought as a low growl peeled itself from his mouth.<p>

The green skinned extraterrestrial came to a stop outside of the room number listed on the schedule. He glanced back and forth between the schedule and the number on the door. Zim turned to observe the Membrane siblings passing only to see them stop outside of the same classroom. Zim squeezed his eyes shut cursing his horrible luck.

Dib opened his mouth to say something but was cut off by Gaz. The purple haired demoness didn't want to deal with these specific morons arguing in the hall. "Why do the classrooms always have to be so noisy?"

"Well Gaz teenagers and indeed children in general, tend to make noise due to their lack of maturation. In order to overcome..."

"HA!" Zim laughed with great amusement. As he moved towards the door Zim continued talking, " The dirt-monkey knows not what he speaks. Humans as a collective are typically stupid and annoying. It is not something that they simply grow out of. Honestly that's like saying that once you get out of this school life will be easier. In reality life is alot like this, only much faster and a great deal more difficult."

Upon completing this little rant Zim grabbed and twisted the doorknob, pushed the door in, and held it open door for Gaz to proceed into the classroom. As soon as Dib was in range Zim slammed the door shut on his face. As Dib screamed from the other side of the door Zim and Gaz both burst out cackling evilly. At a sharp hiss from their right they turned to find a scary grey haired woman with thick glasses and a long black dress.

"Pick a seat and shut up!" the old woman growled.

"Yes SIR!" Zim came to attention before the old crone and then marched to an empty seat in the back.

"Don't think you can boss me around just because you're older. I'm always in control, no matter what."

"I like your attitude, reminds me of myself pre-wrinkles. But you're still going to have to sit down."

Gaz shrugged before walking towards the desk next to Zim. Dib leaped into the chair before she could get there and glared at Zim. "Stay away from my sister ZIM!" Then Dib looked around to see the familiar faces surrounding him. Dib jabbed his finger at Zim "He's an alien you know."

"Am not."

"How do you explain the green skin then, huh?"

"My sister already explained to you that it's a skin condition."

"What about your ears? No ears Zim, is that part of your skin condition."

Zim decided to go for the sympathy card. He stared down at his desk with a sad look on his face. "Yes." he muttered.

The students turned on Dib just as Zim hoped that they would. "Geez Dib just cause someone's weird doesn't make them an alien." an African American at the front of the class called out.

"Stop being an insensitive jerk Dib." Torque Smackey, the school's star quarter back rumbled one seat ahead of Dib.

Jessica, the resident blonde bitch threw her two cents in as well. "God Dib don't you have better things to do than picking on the freak."

The rest of the kids nodded in agreement with this last statement and Zim scowled. They were all hypocrites, idiots, and jerks. For the twentieth time that day Zim grabbed the bridge of his nose and scowled wondering how his luck had gone so terribly wrong.

* * *

><p>FLASH BACK BITCHES!<p>

* * *

><p>"ZIM!" Sizz-Lorr screamed from the kitchen of Shloogorgh's Flavor Monster.<p>

Zim had been assigned to food services ever since the great event. Only Skoodge and Tak would talk to him and Tak just seemed to scream curses. Everyone knew why they were there, the Tallests didn't like them. The three were gifted with growing heights and that scared the tall diplomats. Zim was a genius and they envied him. Skoodge was an individual thinker and they begrudged him that. And finally Tak had a stellar work ethic and the ability to get things done, no matter the cost. The tallests were just waiting for the three of them to screw up so that they could have a real reason to send them away.

Food services was horrible even after Sizz-Lorr forgave Zim (on the grounds of Zim's apparent insanity, though he never said so). Every day the employees were badgered by terrible drooling masses of extraterrestrials. The customers were always difficult, none of the food ever seemed to satisfy them and refunds were becoming increasingly common. Zim and Skoodge were both sick of their horrible rat-motel apartments, terrible jobs, and long hours. So they came up with a plan to break the cycle.

"Yes my Frylord!" Zim saluted Sizz-Lorr waiting for the box he knew would come his way.

"Look kid I don't know how you make the donuts taste so much better but the tallests just placed an order. They want half glazed and half chocolate glazed. Once you've baked them you and skoodge need to deliver them. Take the shipping truck so you can drop those fried monkey pies off at planet Grootchnock on the way to Irk. Try to get back before the lunch rush if you could."

As the fat Irken finished his speech Zim scooped the donuts into the box. Zim began walking away with the box in hand before he turned to salute the fry cook one last time.

"It's been an honor serving under your leadership SIR!"

The obese blob of green flesh and fat seemed to pause at this before bursting into laughter. "Get your crazy ass in that cargo truck drone." Sizz-Lorr said with a good-natured smile.

Zim gave a small sad smile of his own as he began walking towards the cargo truck were Skoodge was waiting with Tak.

"What's she doing here?" Zim cried out in protest.

"If you guys pilot this thing you'll be out until the next four Great Foodenings pass. Come on Zim, of the three of us you know that I'm the best pilot."

"Tak just out of curiosity do you even enjoy this job."

"Of course not you fool, but I'm good at it. Plus if I continue to prove as useful as I've been I'm sure I'll get promoted in no time at all."

Zim smirked at these words knowing full well that Tak would be fired by the end of the day. All three of them would be.

* * *

><p>Back to the present...<p>

* * *

><p>As Zim came out of his little trance-like state he noticed that the teacher was speaking.<p>

"The entire world is doomed. That horrible fact almost overlaps the horrible fact that everyone is doomed individually... almost. Now turn to page nine-hundred of your textbook made from a post-doomed tree and study the biology of the pre-doomed frog. Study hard because you WILL be quizzed on this tomorrow right after we cut a few of the hideous creatures open."

Zim stared at the teacher with a vague sense of remembrance. The teacher sat in her chair a bit of sunlight inched across the desk before making contact with her skin. The skin started to his and fizz and the frightening female strode towards one of the windows before yanking it's tinted frame back into place. As the creepy woman walked back towards her desk realization smacked Zim in the face. This realization was quickly followed by a dumbbell, courtesy of Torque Smackey.

Zim whispered across the aisle to Dib. "Pssst annoying human why don't you pick on the other extraterrestrials in this school?"

"What are you talking about? You're the first alien who's ever shown up in this school."

"Then explain why there is a Denomire teaching the class."

"A what now?"

"She hails from Denome. She displays all the signs. Constantly thinking of doom, alergic to the sun, and I'd imagine her body can change shape. Am I right?"

"Well yeah that happens sometimes, but how did you know?"

"I told you, she's a Denomire. But I'd keep it quiet if I were you. She doesn't want us speaking and that race is not known for their kindness OR understanding."

* * *

><p>At lunch...<p>

* * *

><p>Gaz was tapping away furiously at the buttons of her Gameslave three thousand as she always did. Dib was blathering on about some paranormal thing or another. And the school children were all excitedly squawking about the upcoming holiday of Thanksgiving.<p>

The six newcomers searched for a table but every table they came to was either full or turned them away. They eventually picked out a table at the back of the cafeteria. Not counting their presence the table was empty and they soon realized why. The table was covered in food and a strange sticky film. Upon discovering this they all decided to sit on the floor and discuss their days so far. Gir was currently finishing up his tale.

"And then the fish started dancing with the singing candy cane. And then a rock smelled mah head. The end."

Everyone stared at Gir for a few moments before turning to Mimi who told everyone what ACTUALLY happened. After they were done discussing their days they started talking about what they were going to do from now on.

"How are we going to get monies on this planet?"Tak scratched her head in thought.

Zeke gave Tak a frown that questioned her IQ level. "Why do we even need monies?"

"Because we're desperately low on food supplies."

Zim rubbed his chin, "Mayhaps we could just steal some. The earth slugs don't seem all that intelligent."

"But Zim" Skoodge interjected, "people tend to pursue anyone who takes their stuff."

"Who says we have to leave them alive. We're banished now we don't have to abide by any rules. Besides even without most of the technology available on Irk we still have enough equipment to take down most of the earth squishies."

Tak just stared at Zim before speaking again, "Well Zim as smart as all that sounds we could just counterfeit some monies."

"Or we could get jobs and earn the monies." Skoodge offered.

"I wanna be a moose head." Gir squealed.

Zim rolled his contact covered eyes. "Of course you do Gir. Of course you do."

"Anyways what are we going to do now that we're here? We have no real purpose being here at all. What do we do to preoccupy ourselves?" Tak queried.

"Zim has been thinking about using the giant human made garbage piles to acquire materials. I will then use said materials to create vehicles and invent fantastic things."

As they conversed in this manner a teen with an impossibly large grin walked up to them and stopped. He stood in front of them until they all turned to see what he wanted. The boys grin got even wider once they were all paying attention to him.

"So, what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?"

Zim was about to ask what Thanksgiving was when Tak answered sharply, "We're going to stay home and have a little family dinner."

"Cool what are your parents cooking."

"They're away on a business trip right now we'll be making our own dinner."

The boys grin full a little lower at this. "Oh so you guys have a busy folks, like the membranes."

Tak became a little guarded at this last bit of information. "What do you mean to gain by telling us this?"

"Nothing, just making observations." The kid put his hand to his ear at a nonexistent noise. " Oh my friends are calling me gotta go. See ya."

The child zipped off leaving the six a little confused.

Meanwhile at Dib's table Gretchen had finally caught up to Dib. Gratchen's silk-like purple ponytails shook as if they were volcanoes as she glared at Dib. Her teeth shone through her snarl.

"So where did you head off too in such a hurry last night? You know you left so fast you forgot to tell me how ugly I am."

"Come on Gretchen it wasn't like that. There was an alien ship that crash landed in the park and I had to go see it as quickly as possible."

"You know Dib I'm not sure how committed you are to US. We are going out next Friday and if you run off to see ANY paranormal phenomena we are through! Got it?"

Dib cringed as Gretchen clutched her hands into tight fists. "Okay I got it, I promise I'll be there."

Gretchen's anger seemed to fade away at this and she beamed at Dib. "Good then I'll see you later sweetie."

Gaz and Dib stared after her and then Gaz blurted out, "You know before her braces came off I couldn't tell if she was changing expressions or cringing in pain. Now every little twitch is a change of mood."

Dib gave his sister an unamused look as he shook his head.

"Dib if you keep shaking your giant head I'll plunge it into a nightmare world from which it shall never return."

"Alright Alright, Sheesh."

* * *

><p>Next stop Thanksgiving. A little late but what the hell. It'll give me some space to do my christmas episode ON good ole X-mas itself. Maybe I'll change the date of some holidays simply to satisfy my need to create fun chapters.<p> 


	6. The Thanksgiving Chapter

Welcome to the discreet funeral morgue I'm your host the sikeokilla. I'm gonna try to keep this short and sweet. The intro I mean, not the chapter.

*traces a smiley face on a corpses back with a scalpel* I appreciate all of you reading my story and I must commend those of you who return for more, though personally I'd be reading from the big hitters like Ravenfollower13 or Sideos or pureflowersand2684. Don't get me wrong this stories okay, but it could be better. I'm no QueenofDoomydoom but I'll try my best to keep all of you entertained.

As such I'll try to reply to reviews from now on. Also if you have any good ideas for a chapter or the series as a whole in the future please don't hesitate to contribute. Don't worry I'll mention your contribution unless you specifically ask me not to.

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><p>REVIEW KORNER<p>

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><p>#1 Zim's most loyal servant<p>

Thank you for reviewing every chapter it is greatly appreciated. I enjoy your positive feedback it proves that you're paying attention, but because of the attention you pay I can only assume you've noticed mistakes I've made and I'd like to hear about those as well.

#2 FakexReality

Thank you for reading

#3 Emily-twilight

Thanks for reading I'm glad you like it so far. I don't own Manifest Doom, instead I watch copyright infringing videos on youtube.

#4 pureflowersand2684

Many people have the problem of misspelling it's not uncommon. I'm pleased that you've nejoyed what you read so far.

#5 REDEADED

Thanks for writing in, but what part was so good that you XD'd?

#6 MeltingNations

Well I'd appreciate a little more in the words department but I guess I can't complain. I thank you for taking the time to review.

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><p>I'm still working on a cover featuring the title and all the characters faces. I'll post it on FB when I'm done.<p>

Well demons and freakazoids read on and have a scary day. Remember to eat your stinky fish and red-dranks so you can grow up big and ugly.

* * *

><p>Tak fussed over the decorations in the kitchen whilst simultaneously mixing some pudding and going back over the list of foods they were going to need. The human holiday of Thanksgiving was coming up and Gir had invited a whole list of students from the school to come over for the big turkey day. As a consequence Tak had been forced to work on getting the house and the food ready.<p>

Skoodge was tasked with keeping the sirs entertained while Zim was out 'doing a job' as he'd put it. Tak didn't really give a rat's ass what he did as long as he was back home by noon. Tak shoved the turkey into the oven and checked her wristwatch once again. It was midnight and she was ready to fall into a blissful rest. She set the stove on a low heat and set the timer for three hours.

"SKOODGE!" the blue haired girl bellowed.

Skoodge's head appeared in the doorway and Tak snorted as she attempted to hold in a gust of laughter. Skoodge had Gir had wrapped his body around the Irken's right leg, Mimi clutched at his left pant leg, and Zeke was punching Skoodge in the face with Skoodge's own arm and taunting him.

"Why ya hittin yourself?" *SMACK* "Why ya hittin yourself?" *SMACK* "Why ya hittin yourself?" *SMACK* "Why ya hittin yourself?" *SMACK*

"Please read a story to us brother Skoodgey."

"Doo de doo de doo de doo de doo de doo."

Skoodge mouthed the words 'help me' to Tak, who quickly but reluctantly shooed away the sirs.

"Skoodge when the timer on the stove goes off grab a couple of those flame retardant hand protectors and get the turkey out. After that put tin foil over the turkey so it'll stay warm until lunch. I'm going to go take a nap."

"Have a good sleep Tak." Skoodge said enthusiastically.

Tak smirked to herself, ten hours of no annoying sirs or Zim would be just what she needed.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile across town...<p>

* * *

><p>Zim huffed as he heaved himself onto the roof of the jewelry store. He scoffed at the foolishness of the owner. Why a skylight would be necessary for business Zim would never know. Zim had planning for this night ever since Friday, when the thanksgiving holiday started. The skool board had decided that Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday would be more than enough time off from school. They'd also decided that all students who didn't participate in after-school programs would be required to come to school the weekend following Thanksgiving.<p>

Zim stared down at all of the jewels as he thought over his brilliant plan one last time. He'd already set charges on the fuse box of every residence he planned to hit. He'd scouted out the rich neighborhood near the jewelry store and chose the ones he knew would be empty of occupants. Lastly he'd be hitting a chemical plant and a government warehouse filled with all of the things that the humans couldn't understand, due to being from a backwater planet in the middle of nowhere. He'd already found a buyer for the jewels but he'd need to hang on to anything else he came across for a while. Though the chemicals and extraterrestrial devices he was keeping for himself.

Zim slipped on the ski mask he'd brought as he pulled the gloves with blades built into the fingertips over his green hands. His red eyes seemed to glow as he reached for the glass of the skylight. His antennae twitched visibly in tune with the churning of his Squeedly Spooch. His Doolgher pumped green blood through his veins as the gloves made contact with the glass. He made the initial incision and then clutched the groove he'd made lightly. He pulled away with the a perfect circle of glass and reached into his pocketed belt. Having retrieved the correct detonation device he secured his rope to the top of the opening. One click of a button later and a small pop was heard. The exit sign dimmed and Zim lowered the rope in to the shop. He went around behind the counter and used the hidden blades to separate the sliding case doors from their locks. Jewels of all different colors and sizes left their cozy shelves to take refuge at the bottom of the sack.

By the time Zim finished the sack was only a fourth of the way filled. "Excellent." Zim whispered. He'd brought more than one sack so he'd have plenty of room for everything else he planned on taking.

Zim jabbed a small button on his belt and the rope sprang from it's secure purchase to land in the palm of his waiting hands. He split the doors locks in half by slipping his finger up the crack. He left the door open so that the authorities would not know how he got in. Zim checked his watch, only to find that he had six hours before the sun began to rise. He had to hurry.

* * *

><p>The Irken Exiles' Earth Base 11:00 A.M.<p>

* * *

><p>Skoodge was on guest greeting duty even though only a handful of people had actually shown up so far. Dirge, Gretchen, and Peeyoopi were all drinking punch and talking about the latest news in the city. Pigboy and Oldkid were both sitting on the couch listening to Gir's wild tails. The hologrammed sir jumped up on the couch to illustrate a point. Oldkid replied and Gir laughed uproariously. His silvery hair swishing back and forth in front of his face as his laughter filled the entire room with joy.<p>

Skoodge felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find Zita standing at the door.

"Cool party." ,Zita said.

"My sister made most of the plans I just kept the little ones entertained." Skoodge held his aching neck at the memory of keeping the three content.

"Well I don't think the party would be any good without good company, and I definitely consider you good company." Zita said flipping an errant strand of hair out of her face as she smiled.

Skoodge's face grew very red at this as he muttered a thank you under his breath. He looked at Zita one last time before she turned to go socialize.

Zita was only an inch taller than Skoodge but she was gorgeous. Her hair came into a fanned out set of spiky tendrils in back and one long strand of hair hung off to the side of her face. She wore a pair of tight jeans and a purple shirt. Her skin was so pale that it seemed to take on a bluish tint.

Skoodge went back over this last fact in his mind. 'Why does that seem so familiar', the green alien wondered.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile at the Membrane residence...<p>

* * *

><p>Gaz tapped her foot impatiently at the door to her brother's room. "Come on Dib just pick something already!" she yelled.<p>

Dib frowned at his sister. "Come on Gaz I have to look my best when I go on television with an unmasked extraterrestrial. It's not every day that you get invited into the home of an alien."

"Dib if we're late I'll have to kill you."

"But you're going to kill me anyways."

Gaz growled, "You didn't let me finish! If we're late I'll have to kill you SLOW."

Dib's eyes widened as he suddenly lost interest in his attire. "AlrightI'mdonelet'sgo."

Gaz and Dib walked down the street to the strange green house that had appeared seemingly overnight.

They strolled through the door greeted by the boy with the orange flattop and the dark green eyes. Skoodge followed them into the kitchen where everyone wlse was already seated. Gretchen shoved old kid out of his chair to make room for Dib, who reluctantly joined her. Gaz sat near the front of the table next to an empty seat. As they were all settling down they heard a whistling coming from the hallway. In strolled Zim clothed in a purple turtleneck and black jeans. He settled himself at the head of the table, right next to Gaz.

"Friends I thank you all for coming. I thank my wonderful sister for making this delicious looking meal. I thank my younger brother, Gir for making waffles. And most of all I give thanks for my second chance here in this new land."

And they all had a delicious meal followed by a wonderful night of social behavior, topped off with a headache in the morning. God bless Irken Liquor.


	7. The bet Part 1

Welcome back to the show. You know I'm not good with sticking to deadlines. Just know that if I've already done a chapter it could be anywhere from two days to two weeks for a new chapter to come out. I'll try to fall into a pattern of some sort. There are going to be AT LEAST three more chapters before the Christmas chapter. If you (the readers) still enjoy this story near the end and you want more then it'll become a trilogy.

Here at the discreet funeral morgue we have al lot of patience for our patients, which is probably just as well because they aren't going anywhere. You know for stiffs they're pretty loose. At least they don't sue you when your knife slips. Anyways let's go to the...

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><p>REVIEW KORNER<p>

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><p>#1 Zim'sMostLoyalServant<p>

I thought it would be interesting and I'm glad to hear that I was correct. I thank you for considering the other readers by not taking up review space but I'd love to hear your feedback on my mistakes. I need a little humble pie every now and then or else my head stops fitting through the door.

#2 Memmek10k

I'm glad you're enjoying it. What's your favorite part so far?

#3 shade empire

Well it's here. For future reference I don't like LOLs *laughs* are alright but please no text chat. No offense to those of you who use it I'm just not a fan

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><p>Well lay back on your autopsy tables and focus on the story, it'll keep your mind off of the scalpels and bone saws.<p>

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><p>Chapter 7: Making contacts...and weapons of mass destruction<p>

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><p>Absently Zim rubbed his side, where the night before he'd been attacked and mauled by a vicious Doberman. The alarms had gone off and Zim had to bolt before the fat owner came downstairs with a shotgun. Zim had been stealing from low end jewelry stores and high end neighborhoods for weeks and was starting to wonder if there wasn't an easier way to make money. The outcast was currently shopping for gifts and not having a lot of luck. The exiles' household was being supported by whatever Zim could hock at the crooked pawn broker's shop and the amounts of cash that Gir brought home randomly. They were just barely making ends meet and Zim had busted more than a few ribs in previous break-ins. Burglary was a simple enough business but Zim needed something a little more conventional.<p>

Zim stopped in front of a store window and stared up at a squeaky toy that he knew Gir would love if He could afford it. Zim sighed dejectedly before something in the store window caught his eye. It was a sign that stated in bold black letters: Holiday cheer is all fine and good but mind your wallet or you'll lose it to a two bit hood. Stay safe, watch for pickpockets.

"Noticed the sign have you?" A voice with a cool soothing quality to it whispered just over Zim's shoulder.

Zim jumped in surprise as he turned to find the owner of the voice. Zim came face to face with a well dressed earth male. The man had brown hair and a beard that bordered his face but did not seem to cross it. His black suit seemed to scream business trip and his voice could con bees out of their honey.

"I can see that you're a bit short for words so I'll cut right to the chase. I know that you recently moved to the city from seemingly nowhere. I know that you're a successful burglar with a fair amount of dexterity in the fingers. I know that you're extremely inventive and I know that you're in a lot of trouble with the local color. This last part is something that you probably didn't know. Is that correct?"

Zim nodded his head in confirmation.

"Well I'm in need of a little assistance and I can already tell that you're running a little light in the pocket so I'll tell you what. Run this little errand for me and I'll vouch for you with the lower downs. And I can promise you that the cut you'll receive will be well worth the effort."

The Irken blinked a few times before saying anything. "Zim is listening."

"Alright well here's the deal, normally I'd have you run the distraction whilst I went to work. But I'm curious to see how much skill you have. I'll create a distraction and while a crowd forms you slip into the crowd and get any wallets you can without being pinched. Try to get at least one."

"How do you propose Zim does this?"

"Remember two basic rules of human psychology. First of all human beings can only give their full attention to one thing at a time. And secondly a little bump can't be felt as well when a larger bump is present. Good luck."

The man ran towards a nearby display and leapt onto a small bench. He then began ranting.

"Brothers and sisters gather round, gather round. Com, come don't be shy." A crowd of roughly forty people built up around the bench as the man continued. "We are the righteous and we are beset upon by the wicked. Snakes lie in wait hoping that you might drop you're guard if only for a moment. Pickpockets." he hissed this last word as if it were a curse. "Who among you is righteous?" he cried out. Nearly everyone in the crowd raised their hands.

This continued for a time but eventually the people grew bored of the man's preaching and slowly the crowd thinned until there was only Zim. The man approached him in a hurried manner. "Zim has done as you have asked."

"And how much did our little dip yield?"

"There are at least twelve leather earth moniez holders here."

The man took the wallets from the extraterrestrials waiting hands and began emptying them. After he had completed the task of cleaning out the wallets he would place them in a leather briefcase. Once all of the billfolds were empty he took the money and split it in half before handing Zim his half. "You've proven to me that you can be counted upon to skillfully carry out any task laid before you. If you work for me I can teach you the tricks of the trade."

"Zim agrees to your proposition. I will work hard to earn your respect and master this craft."

The man smiled "That's what I like to hear, now let's talk about watches..."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile at school...<p>

* * *

><p>"Where the hell is Zim?" Tak muttered angrily as the five remaining outcasts sat on their usual floor space.<p>

"Oh, that moron?" Zeke said with a skeptical look. "I dunno I haven't seen him since the bus dropped all off here. Knowing his IQ level though I'd have to guess that he saw a squirrel and whilst chasing it found himself lost."

Skoodge glared flatly at his snarky SIR. "That sounds more like something Gir would do."

"Curse the pug waffles they always steal my taquito squirrels. WHY? WHY DO THEY STEAL MY TAQUITO SQUIRRELS?"

The entire cafeteria went silent and stared at the platinum haired spaz. Then they all came out of this stalled state and returned to their utterly pointless lives.

"He shouldn't be playing hooky he should be studying. Final exams are next week." Mimi said from behind her biology textbook.

"Mimi don't hold the book so close to your face or you'll burn out your optical sensors. And vision aids take time to procure."

"Sorry sis." Mimi said looking down at her lap sadly over having been scolded, even if it wasn't all that harshly said.

Gaz walked up to the group from the table that Dib and she shared. "You guys know you can sit with us any time right?"

This seemed to brighten the off planet visitors' moods. "Thanks." Skoodge said happily before walking towards the aforementioned table.

Gaz noticed that Zim was missing and tried to casually slip the question to Tak, who being the most responsible and organized of the six was bound to know the answer. "So where's tall, green, and obnoxious."

Tak smirked with delight as she made her next statement, "Why you got a thing for him?"

Gaz blushed a deep tomato red before answering. "What? No! God no, I was just... curious that's all."

"Whatever you say queen of darkness. But seriously none of us actually knows where he is today. I think he ditched school."

"Why do you think he'd do a thing like that?" Gaz asked in mock confusion.

"Ha ha, look I know the usual reason most people skip classes and this is different. I've been thinking of following him to work to see what it is he does. Whatever it is it puts food on the table and bruises on his body."

"My money's on prize fighter for some lame half assed wrestling show."

"You're on. I bet he's working out of a deli."

"I thought you guys were allergic to meat."

"Naw just the processing that it goes through."

"Hmm, interesting."

Dib and the rest of the Nekri household walked up to the two girls. And inevitably it was Dib, the nosy brother who asked the question. "What're you two talking about?"

"We're making a bet on what Zim's mysterious job is."

"How much?" Dib queried.

The two girls looked at each other before responding at the same exact moment. "Twenty bucks."

Dib keenly handed the girls a twenty. "I'm in, what're the clues?"

"Late nights and bruises but he's making enough to support our dietary consumption."

"He's taking pictures of cheating spouses, no question."

"It's not right to bet on what Zim does for a living." Skoodge whined.

Zeke shook his head in disappointment at his so called master. " I'm bettin on professional prostitute."

"ZEKE!" Skoodge cried incredulously.

"What, it could happen."

Skoodge fished around in one of his many pockets and pulled out a crumpled ten and two wadded up fives. "Well I bet he doesn't actually have a job at all he just begs for the money."

Gaz gasped "Ooo, I wanna change my bet to street performer in the subway."

Tak rolled her eyes with a tiny smile "Why do I get the feeling that that's a personal fantasy rather than an actual educated guess."

Before Gaz could retort Gir bounded dangerously close to the short tempered females. He had a twenty dollar bill in his outstretched arm. "I'll take a peice o' dat action. I want fifty on water fresca to win and forty on frisky tree to lose. And I'll take an ounce of magic dust and three nicks and make it snappy afore the five-oh shows my nigga*." Everyone just gawked at the little robot boy as he just stood there smiling like a moron. Suddenly Gir gasped "SQUIRREL!" He yelled before racing off in a fit of insane laughter.

The group made plans to follow Zim and figure out exactly how he earned his wages. They'd follow him the next time he left for work.

* * *

><p>*Warning Nigga is a registered trademark of African Americans. Any person or persons with fair skin who are caught using this terminology will be hunted down and castrated.<p>

* * *

><p>Well that concludes another exciting chapter of Zim the Exile. Tune in next time to see the gang observe Zim in his new 'job'.<p>

Stay awesome, keep reading, God bless. If any government affiliated parties happen to read this, pull your head out of your butt and see the world as a big empty rock in a sea of big empty rocks. Why you wanna fight over just a little piece of that big empty rock?


	8. A bet settled

A soft buzzing went off to Zim's right, his hand shot out automatically clutching at the button on top of the time keeping box. Zim checked the clock to see that it was four in the morning. He started getting dressed when all of a sudden he felt eyes upon him. He twirled towards the window only to find it devoid of life. He turned to continue getting dressed but still couldn't shake the feeling that he was being observed.

The green boy jumped onto the banister rail of the stairway and rode it all the way down ending with said irken slipping gracefully off the end and plunking his feet into his still-laced boots. As he grabbed his coat he turned the door handle. Then he gently cracked the door open wide enough for his body to fit through the gap. The door closed with a soft click that made Zim cringe. He marched down the sidewalk staring all the while at the landscape. It's beautiful, Zim thought to himself as he continued down the sidewalk.

The trees were black and barren and the ground was covered in shimmering white powder. The outcaste irkens had learned to avoid water here on earthdue to a higher acidic content than the extraterrestrials were used to. They had also learned that while snow was easy on the eyes it was simply earth water in a frozen state. As Zim was walking down the sidewalk a strange tingling crept up his spine as if he was being followed.

Zim whirled around in a red and black blur and swiveled his head from side to side quickly. Upon finding nothing in his radius of view he decided that his gut feeling must be on the fritz and that he should ignore said feelings of being stalked. He looked down at his watch only to hiss in frustration. He was going to be late for the morning rush if he wasn't careful. If only Zim had taken a look back over his shoulder at that exact moment he would have caught a glimpse of a large head with an outrageous hairstyle.

ZTE

Zim strolled into the mall at four twenty eight and walked over to his usual scoping perch. Armando, another working tool who used the mall as his hunting grounds, approached Zim.

"Hey Z what's going down esse."

"Hey Armando how's today looking?"

"Well so far it's just the mall rats who've shown up to toke it up before their usual victims show. But you know man tomorrow's Christmas so there's gonna be a huge crowd. Lotsa pushing and shoving. Everyone'll be too busy rushing around to pay attention to their pockets. Plus it's cold out so allot of people will be wearing jackets, easier to snag from."

"Sounds like easy pickings and big pay outs."

"You know it dude, hey I gotta go, catch you at your lunch break."

"Take it easy Armando, but not too easy. Don't want the boss-man thinking we're a couple a slackers."

"Who, the penny pincher? Man that guy's so laid back he makes a LA-Z-BOY look like a surfboard made of rock."

"Why do they call him the Penny Pincher?" Zim asked cocking an eyebrow at his Spanish friend.

"He used to burglarize houses, but whenever he took valuables he always left a penny out in plain view for the owners to find. The pennies were custom made to have depictions of a cent sign with a hash mark through it where the head should be and a picture of a winking face on the back."

"Sounds like a taunt and a signature all rolled into one."

"That's the beauty of it. Oh oh large wave at ten o' clock."

"I call the guy with the Rolex."

"Fair's fair I got the last one."

"You wanna take his wife?"

"Eh why the hell not?"

The man was obviously rich, terribly well dressed, and had a slight asian charm. His wife was a lovely young thing with a mane of wild black hair. Zim and Armando approached the couple quite casually. The two tools stopped directly in front of the Chinese couple and bowed. Zim and Armando both held out their left hands to be shaken and not stirred. The narrow eyed people grabbed hold of the offered hands and began shaking. Zim and Armando's right hands both came up to join their left counterparts. As Zim did this his first three fingers slipped under the man's metallic Rolex whilst Armando slipped his thumb over the lady's leather strap fastening before sliding under the metallic notch thing. Zim pulled his hands away covering the merch which slipped down his jacket sleeve into a hidden compartment. Armando pulled away and tucked his earnings into his right fist before stuffing both hands into his pockets.

Zim made a bowing motion before speaking. "Hello we have been told that we were to meet you here as per our business arrangement."

The man and woman both frowned and turned to each other with confused looks. "I do not understand," the man began "I have no business meetings scheduled to take place today, and I definitely did not set this American mall as a place to conduct business deals."

Zim made a face that simply screamed 'oh my sweet baby jesus I'm so sorry'. Zim then pretended to see the "business partner" and pointed at a non specific point in the crowd while stating this false truth. As the man and woman turned to see who this partner was Zim and Armando robbed the man of all the possessions in his coat. Armand took the outer pockets whilst Zim worked on the inner breast. When the couple turned back around Zim and Armando walked towards their imaginary business partners. On the way past Zim bumped the man with his shoulder as he dipped into his left front pocket. All the while unknown to the two professional thieves seven pairs of eyes watched in utter shock.

"Well," Dib said, trying to break the silence "I guess this means no one gets the money."

Gaz growled at the inactivity of the group, here they were to see what Zim did for a living and they found him picking pockets and all of a sudden their views of him had changed. "Let's go say hi to Zim."

Gir practically jumped out of his hologram in excitement. "YEA! MASTA!" Gir screamed as he ran towards the grin skinned tool.

Zim looked up to see the group and was shocked to say the least. He walked towards them as Zim took Gir by the hand and walked towards the group. Armando followed out of curiosity.

"What are you guys doing here?" Zim asked.

Armando took Zim aside for a whispered conversation. "Yo these people bothering you Z?"

"Na man their cool."

"Really? Cause the blue haired ones bothering me, in a good way, know what I'm sayin esse." Armando hinted nudging his counterpart.

"That's my sister." Zim stated calmly.

"What about the scary looking one with purple hair."

"Off limits under all circumstances."

"What about the other one."

"DUDE, she's like four years too young for you."

"So?"

"She's my sister too."

"Damn dude that's just my luck."

"Tell you what 'mando you can date my eldest sister, if you can keep up with her."

"Yo esse that sounds good to me."

Zim turned back towards the group with Armando in tow. "Alright now tell me why you're all here."

Armando nodded his head at Tak. "Yo chica you from Tennessee?"

Tak frowned at this. "No, why?"

"Cause you're the only ten I see. ORLALEI!"

Tak was about to reply when Zim cut her off. "He's a friend not for hurting, be flattered that he thought you were attractive and drop it at that, unless you're interested in him."

"That's a sweet sentiment and all, Armando was it? But I'm kinda seeing someone else."

Armando turned to Zim and said "Man it's like I told you last week, all the really pretty ones are taken. I gotta get back to work anyway."

"Take it easy man." Zim called after him before turning back to the group in front of him. "Alright now what ARE you guys doing here?"

Gaz spoke up first. "We came to see what you do for a living, and I have to say on behalf of the group that we're all thoroughly surprised."

"Well it's not that bad a business to be honest. I mean sure there's always the risk of jail time but I get to make my own hours and I have all the necessary skills to be successful. I'm doing so well that I not only got my Christmas shopping done already, I also have quite the little nest egg stashed away."

The group kinda just stood there and stared at Zim for a long while. Tak finally spoke up "Eh well it's not like the rest of us don't earn wages through illegal means. I participate in undergorund blood sports."

"I kill people on the weekends and beyond harvesting their wallets I get to collect bounties on the wanted ones." Gaz said cooly.

"I pirate and sell digital video discs, and compact discs and sell them at really cheap prices." Zeke pitched in.

Mimi raised her hand to capture everyones attention before confessing to laundering her own money.

They all turned to Dib who looked at them as if they were all crazy. "I've never done anything that was against the l…"

"Dib tell them or I'll beat your brains in with your own arm."

"Alright fine, I may or may not have been setting up an off-shore bank account with money that I transferred from rich peoples accounts to my own."

"And…"

Dib sighed "And lied about my age to star in a porno at ages fourteen through seventeen."

Gir started doing mid air summersaults. "Ooooo ooooo, my turn, it's my turn."

Zim gawked at Gir with an open mouth and a shocked expression. "Gir does illegal things?"

"Where'd you think all the money Gir brought home came from?"

"I always just assumed he made friends with a rich child named Winston. I also thought that he might get some of it from unconscious people at those rave parties he's always disappearing off to."

Gaz gave Zim a skeptical look "Winston?"

"It's a fairly common name for the pretentiously wealthy." He stated bluntly.

Gir began counting off all of his profitable misdeeds on his fingers. "I sell lots and lotsa drugs, I bet on the ponies and the spinning wheel and I like to rig those armed coin spitters to pay me, and I shoot peoples thumbs off and sometimes I gots ta shoot em in the knee cap. OO OO and I make gore porn and snuff films and my favorite color is green and I play in a band and I loves my guitar and sometimes I throw up."

Everyone just stared very blank faced at Gir.

"Huh." Tak said.

Gaz turned to Tak and Zim, "How much of that do you think is true?"

Tak rubbed her chin in thought before answering Gaz, "Knowing Gir he's either just told us everything about himself or he's confused himself with a character from some failed American show."

Zim turned to his faux family and the membrane children. "Listen I'll tell you what, I say that this afternoon we get smashed. We experiment with all the illegal paraphernalia that we want and tomorrow we turn over a new leaf. No more jobs based on illegal activities. Except Gir who is an uncontrollable whirlwind of misdeeds and moronic behavior. Deal?"

"Deal." They all agreed.

"WAFFLEZ!"

Everyone just gave Gir an unamused glare.

"What? Everyone else got ta say somethin' stupid."

"Where are we going to get all of the party materials."

At the words party materials Gir pulled up his shirt and popped open his flesh-looking chest to reveal a metallic inside filled with all kinds of psychedelic experience aids.

ZTE December 24 9:00 P.M.

Zim grabbed his head and squeezed his eyes shut as he raised himself from a sitting position. "Ugh, where the hell…" Zim's eyes bulged to a size not known to him before as he grabbed Gaz who was sleeping next to him and began shaking her awake. "Gaz-human. Gaz-human. Wake up."

"Zim if you're about to tell me what I think then you're dead."

"God you humans have sick minds. Trust me this is much worse than that."

"What could be worse than…" Gaz stopped staring out the window and seeing a sign written in some unidentifiable language. "What does that say?" Gaz asked.

"It says welcome to Freeboise."

"I've never heard of that."

"You wouldn't have, it's a city located on Grapstellone…in the Tresopolome galaxy."

"You mean…"

"That's right, we aren't on earth anymore."


	9. A Zim the Exile Christmas Special

Yesterday was friggin christmas! And don't you worry boys and girls I didn't actually forget to make the Christmas special, it just took a little longer to make. I created this special chapter just for you. Weeks of forgetfulness followed by mere minutes of planning and several hours of throwing things together have allowed me to create the chapter before you. This chapter has no Review Korner just like the previous one didn't so expect the next RK to be three times the normal length.

Our story begins minutes after the ending of the last chapter where the characters are beginning to awake in the shitty little hotel that the group chose to stay in whilst under the influence of illegal substances. Last we left our cast of colorful characters they were just beginning to discover the odd situation they are currently entrapped in. And because this is a Christmas chapter it will be lacking the dark edge that some of you crave, don't worry you'll get your gore and doom. But that'll have to wait until next chapter.

I know it's not perfect but I don't know of any non holy/supernatural being who is so… OO OO, small fun fact "borrowed" from Queenofdoomydoom. There was a pagan god named Murdoch and some villages would sacrifice children so that Murdoch would drink their blood thus bringing in a successful harvest. The Christians replaced him with a cleaner, fatter, and jollier person… Santa. AWESOME! Just imagine, the crunch of a christmas cookie replaced the crunch of childrens' bones. Morbid yet interesting. Take note that this information may not be valid as it is third hand at best.

ZTE December 24 9:05 P.M.

Gaz and Zim stood over the open map of the known reaches of space.

"So how far is the Trespollome Galaxy from the milky way?" Gaz asked in a bored kind of voice.

"The Trespollome galaxy is exactly 10.12 earth miles from planet 9382718.9."

"You mean Pluto?"

"Yes, that one."

"That's about twice the length that any earth craft either manned and unmanned, has ever been."

"Not exactly, see there have been reports of probes such as those that the American NASA uses in deep space. Often times we either avoid them or destroy them. So either they lose connection at a certain range or…"

"They've been lying to us."

"If I was a betting man I'd wager on the second one but as it just so happens I'm not."

"How are we going to make it that amount of distance?"

"That part doesn't really bother me, most interstellar craft move at a pace of about 100 earth miles per hour at a slow pace. It's procuring a ship that concerns me."

"How'd we get here without a ship, Zim?" Gaz asked, obviously becoming annoyed.

"Ya see that's the thing, we must've taken our ship to get here but it's obvious to me that we must have crashed because otherwise we'd have just flown back home."

Suddenly a naked Dib jumped up in between the two "AHA, so you admit that you are an extraterrestrial being."

Zim blinked at Dib's finger while Gaz covered her eyes. "Dib, you didn't need me to tell you that did you?"

"No but hearing you admit it puts me at ease." Dib moved into a heroic pose with his fists on his sides and his legs spread wide staring upwards. "The Earth can sleep soundly whilst I can force you to admit things about yourself."

"You didn't force me to…"

"Don't ruin the moment Zim."

Gaz growled with her hands still clasped tightly over her eyes. "Dib if you don't cover yourself right now I'm going to punch you in the baby making stick so hard that it'll turn inside out. And then I'll send you to a hellish nightmare world where it will grow back, split open and have locusts fly out, and grow back again."

Dib zipped out of the room and came back in nothing but his jeans. "I can't find the rest of my clothes!" He cried out in alarm.

At this cry of terror everyone else in the dirty apartment seemed to stir. Taak crawled out from under a vomit stained blanket, Skoodge clawed his way out of a mattress with a very large hole in it, and all three sirs crawled out of a pizza box with moldy pizza still inside.

Gir was the first to speak up out of the newly awakened members of the party. "Look master, the other people left us a present." Gir sniffed his arm and began licking bits of pizza off. "It's fuzzy and it moves in ma mouth."

Gaz scowled at Gir's disregard for cleanliness. "Gir spit that out right now."

Gir stared down at the floor with a sad expression. "Yes Ma'am." He wiped the bit of eaten pizza off the end of his tounge and it proceeded to crawl away.

At the sight of this the other two SIRs quickly swatted at all the bits of pizza that remained on their metallic bodies.

Tak walked up to the window sans disguise or any other article of clothing for that matter and stared at the sign. As she leaned over to get a better look at the sign Dib turned to Zim with a confused look plastered on his face. "Zim who is that alien chick, your girlfriend?"

Zim suddenly broke out in a wide spread and rather toothy grin. "Ah so you do not know who this is then Dib?"

Gaz realizing where this was going gave Zim a warning growl.

Zim taking the hint sighed at having his fun ruined. "That alien is Tak, pay more attention Dib. And if I had to guess why everyone except Gazelene and myself is naked, and trust me I really don't want to, I'd say you all played strip paxom and Skoodge was the only clear winner. At least HE kept his holo-watch."

After having heard this all of the others besides Dib (who was too shocked to notice anything really) suddenly seemed to notice their lack of clothing. Skoodge looked down at his still disguised body and pointed. "Hey look at that it even makes my Stelong look human."

Zim gasped "Skoodge there are innocent minds here."

"Seriously Skoodge what were you thinking?"Gaz asked.

"HEY!" Tak interrupted the growing argument with a question that should have been on all their minds. "How are we going to get back to Earth?"

"What do you mean BACK to Earth?" Dib asked suddenly very scared.

Gir snapped his fingers "I got it…"

Dib sighed in relief, "Well at least someone has a plan."

Gir continued crushing Dib's newfound hope. "They call it power rangers because they HAVE THE POWER!"

Zim pulled out a piece of charcoal from Gir's head and began drawing on the wall. "First things first we need a ship, so we'll just have to take one. Secondly we need to be able to eject from escape pods located on that ship. And thirdly we could always use some extra supplies so while scouting for ships let's try to snag a merchant's vessel. Gaz and I will scout out the local authorities office to find out what's happening and who's on the run."

Dib seemed perplexed at this last bit and interrupted Zim "Why does it matter who's on the run from the law?"

Zim sighed in exasperation and grabbed the skin between his eyes. "Dib if there are criminals running from here then they're most likely to end up on Earth and it's a good idea to make as many friends as we can, besides all the latest news makes it to the authorities first, ALWAYS. Dib you and Tak need to head over to the port to scout good ships to steal." Zim thought about this order for a little bit and then added "Take the SIRs with you."

Tak looked like she was about to argue but then thought better of it. She muttered that it was fine while it was altogether obvious that she didn't really think so.

Skoodge seemed a bit conflicted as to where to go. "Zim can I come with you guys?" he asked with a timid smile.

"I thought it was implied that you were. Skoodge you're the one who's best at identifying and reading languages other than irken. We're gonna need your help to figure out what we're dealing with."

Skoodge smiled at the thought of being needed as Zim, Gaz and he headed towards the authorities base of operations a half a mile away. As they entered the doors they were met with stares from several of the authoritarian figures who were obviously not doing much anything, aside from gawking at every being who walked through the doors. As far as Gaz could tell there was a fairly mixed ratio of Extraterrestrial beings working in the facility. Upon further examination however she realized something rather odd.

"Hey, Zim?"

"Yes, Gaz?"

"Where are all the Irken?"

At this last word everyone in the office seemed to stop what they were doing and stare at the three visitors. Zim hissed in irritation at being the center of attention in a place that dealt with the incarceration of those who committed misdeeds though he knew that they could not pin any active crimes on him without a possible internal investigation.

"Irken don't get along well with other races, it would be best if you didn't mention them again until we're far away from this dreadful place." As Zim was speaking his eyes scanned the office for the two things he sought. He let out an almost inaudible hiss of triumph as he found an arbitrary bulliton board which held mug shots of all the known criminals on the run in the area. He pointed Skoodge in the direction of the board whilst he busied himself with a nearby newspaper set to be published at a much later date.

"Why is it that even in deep space with advanced alien races they still only have paper and cork boards? I'd have figured that there'd be more advanced ways of getting information or at the very least a more advanced way of displaying it."

Zim rolled his eyes as if the answer was the simplest in the universe. "This isn't exactly Vort ya know. Grapstellone isn't much farther along technology wise than earth is. In fact the only reason that Earth isn't a port planet like Grapstellone is we found it first. If Grapstellone wasn't here we extraterrestrials might have felt the need to continue exploring."

Gaz made an "O" shape with her mouth to convey that she understood now. After a few seconds of watching Zim read the paper however she decided to push forward with another question. "Why are the Irken people so…" Gaz stopped for lack of a proper word.

"Hated, feared, generally despised, and associated with a rash that grows on the genitals of Triphorns?"

"I guess."

"Well Gaz back when all of the universe's races were discovering each other the first Irken leaders decided that it would be easy to start invading weaker planets. After having conquered several planets they then killing those who resisted and enslaving those they couldn't. At this time Irk's population was actually very low, the tallest knew that there was no way that we could continue to reproduce like every other race so they decided that they would produce offspring in tubes. They created a control brain capable of keeping the irken race on the path to universal conquest and overseeing the creation of Irk's smeets. From then on Irkens were implanted with packs to replace vital organs that were to easily ruptured and punctured. It also served the purpose of keeping the individuals from thinking for themselves or feeling any emotions beyond vanity, greed, and hate. There are some defects like me, Skoodge, and Tak, but they're cast out as soon as their found."

"Aren't there any naturally born smeets?"

"If smeets are birthed naturally the parents are killed and the children are placed in birthing tubes to cover it up. Me and my sister were both naturally born."

Gaz seemed taken aback at this but wasn't given time to pursue it as Skoodge had returned not looking very well. Skoodge had an expression on his face that indicated he might puke and his face was a much lighter shade of green than it usually was.

Zim seemed concerned over this and went to inquire as to why his friend was in this bismal state. "Skoodge you look like you've seen a Yoonok. What happened?"

Skoodge seemed to tense at his friend's queries. "I di didn't see anyth thi thing."

Zim seemed reluctant to drop the subject but did when his compatriot insisted that he was fine. "So what'd you find out?"

Skoodge dropped his gaze as he replied, "There are a lot of escaped convicts in the area but nono of them were headed towards Earth."

"Well other than a Vortian-Helagon war there's nothing new. Three guesses who's winning and the first two don't count." Zim said as he plopped the newspaper onto a nearby desk. "Let's get the hell out of here. With any luck Dib and Tak will have discreetly picked a sufficient ship."

Zim and Gaz began walking down the street with Skoodge trailing behind. Despite what he'd told his friend there actually WAS a criminal in the vicinity of Earth but Skoodge couldn't bring himself to tell his friends who it was. The only thing that ran through his head was that it must be a small universe.

As they neared the sky docks they noticed Dib, Tak, Mimi, and even Zeke working very hard to pull on something. As they drew even nearer they realized that it was Gir and as Skoodge, Zim, and Gaz came within five feet of the small struggle the group lost hold of the spasmodic robot as he sprinted towards a ship with an open door. No longer worried about being discreet anymore, the other seven sprinted after him. Five minutes later Gaz and Zim were making sure that the ship was vacant of any crew members.

When they returned Gir was being berated by Tak and Dib whilst Skoodge drove the ship. Gir's little antennae seemed to droop at the severe scolding he was currently receiving.

Dib had a vein in his big head that looked about ready to burst as he screamed "AND FURTHERMORE…"

Zim stepped in and promptly ordered both of them to back off. He crouched low enough to scoop Gir up and walked with Gir in hand into a nearby doorway. He was quickly followed by Gaz who was curious to see what he was going to do to the misbehaving bot.

Zim looked down at Gir with a silent but sympathetic frown. "Now Gir why don't you tell me exactly what happened."

"I was sitting with big headed Dibby and auntie Tak and then they said that we might not make it home in time."

The Irken stared at the child-like being perplexed "In time for what Gir?"

The SIR looked up into Zim's eyes with fluid draining from his vision sockets. "Christmas."

Zim stared down at Gir with a soft smile. "Gir Christmas is not about where you are but rather who you're with. Now you're here with family and friends and that's all that matters."

Gir sniffled a little before Gaz brought the other two SIRs into the room. "Gir would you feel better if we told you a story?" she asked.

Gir perked right up at hearing these words and began running in circles.

Zim laughed at this. "Yes but all three of you have to lay down on a piece of furniture before we start."

Gir quickly lay down on a nearby pool table, Mimi curled up in the fetal position on an overstuffed armchair, and Zeke stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

"NO," Zeke cried out " we're not little children, we're teenagers. We're too old for stories. We're not even really teenagers, we are fucking robots. I refuse to stoop that low just because you told me to."

Zim smirked as he peered up at the ceiling. "Okay but if you don't Santa might not leave you a present."

Zeke's scowl grew even deeper as he crawled onto a couch in a far corner.

"Alright Once there was a Dramgalard who was very happy. This was odd because the Dramgalard are known to be a very sorrowful race. So one day he decided to bring happiness to all of the other Dramgalard on the planet…"

Line break 30 minutes later Line break

"And he cried out with cheer Merry Talcmas to all and to all a fun year."

As Zim finished he and Gaz crept out of the room as the robots softly snored from their respective perches.

"Was that a true story Zim?" Gaz asked somewhat skeptically.

"Of course it was, except I left out the part about how he was captured the next day and tortured before being commited to an insane asylum for the rest of his retched life."

"Well now that everyone else is either asleep or preoccupied don't you think it's time we went to that back room.

Zim waved his hand in a passive manner as he replied unenthusiastically. "Right right. Let's get to it."

Zim and Gaz walked past the sleeping forms of Tak and Dib slowly. When they came to Skoodge at the wheel they found that he too was asleep. Zim set the ship on an autopilot course to reach and then orbit Earth. Then he and Gaz proceeded to the earlier mentioned back room.

Gaz pulled her dress of and Zim stepped out of his own clothes. They quickly suited up in black plastic suits that were hanging conveniently nearby. After they had both snapped on black rubber like gloves Zim grabbed a leather pouch and they walked towards the large table obviously meant for large meetings and Gaz heaved an excited sigh.

"I'll be honest this is my first time." she said in a tone that vibrated with energy.

Zim gave her an encouraging smile as he unbound the roll of leather. "I know you've done something similar in the past. Trust me with toys like these," Zim said motioning towards the roll of leather " and all the time in the world it can get really fun really fast."

Gaz puffed her cheeks up and took a deep breath to calm herself. "Okay I'm ready." she muttered.

Zim slapped the roll of leather onto the table as Gaz crawled up onto it herself. Zim slowly rolled the leather out revealing row upon row of shiny and useful tools. Gaz raked her eyes over them hungrily. Zim started walking away only pausing long enough to give her a little instruction, "Pick your favorite while I turn the music player up loud enough to cover the noise."

Gaz gave the shining instruments one final look before selecting one.

As the music became loud Gaz and Zim both stood together with tools in hand staring at two aliens. One of them was scrawny and had squishy looking tendrils hanging from his chin. His skin was purple and he was sweating profusely. His counterpart was a chubby red skinned alien with tusks that jutted out so much that they almost hindered the adhesive from covering his mouth.

Zim stared at the two and the around the area. "Alright we've set our tarp out so that we don't make a mess on the floor or the table. Let's strap their arms down to the table before we begin."

Gaz and Zim cut the ropes constricting the fat being first and Zim held his arms down while Gaz brought nails and some leather strap. The fat alien jerked as Gaz nailed the first strap around his left wrist tightly. When it came to the right wrist however the male jerked around so much that Gaz just didn't know where to start nailing the strap. Finally in an act of frustration Gaz slammed the nail into the middle of the tusked man's hand.

Zim smiled in an impressed awe. As Gaz walked over to the next victim she noticed that Zim wasn't looking at her handiwork.

"Zim are you staring at my ass?" Gaz asked with a sharp frown.

Zim smirked coyly "Maybe, why?"

"Look no one stares at my ass, no matter how cute they are. Not even you can get away with that."

Zim's smile faltered in surprise before returning with a vengeance. "Are you saying that you're attracted to me Gaz?"

"I suppose I am."

"Would you be opposed to my asking you out on a date?"

"I thought this was our first date."

"That's odd I don't normally kill and torture anyone with my dates. Not on the first date anyways."

"Well I'm not like the dates you normally have."

"No, you're so much better."

Gaz groaned in false frustration "Ugh quit it, we've got work to do."

The skinny man with tendrils on his chin came much quieter after seeing what a struggle could bring and soon had his wrists strapped to the table to the left of his cremate.

Zim and Gaz removed the tape from the men's mouths.

The skinny one was the first to speak. "Please let me n' Grease go."

Zim grabbed his chin seeming to consider this option. "What's your name kid?"

"Guy, my name's Guy."

Gaz came in at this point "Well Guy what were you and Grease doing in this ship?"

Guy shifted uncomfortably in his chair "We were supposed to deliver a shipment of…stuff."

Grease spoke up at this point "Don't say no more Guy!"

Zim glared at the fat sloppy alien and a feral growl emitted from his lips. "Be quiet filth."

"Make me Irken trash."

Zim smiled as he turned to grab something.

"Ha I knew it, you're too scared to come at me. I bet it's cause you're one o' them defects. That's why you fell for this ugly piece a space trash with bad hair."

Grease began laughing as Zim came back with a determined glare, a stainless steel hammer, and a gleaming silver object shaped like a finger. He laid the unidentifiable object next to the man's hand and held the hammer loosely in his hand. He strolled around to the back of the man and wrenched the chair out from under him. Grease now stood in a position somewhere between a stoop and a squat. Zim took the hammer and hovered it near the portly slobs knees. Zim raised the hammer a foot above the man's knee cap and proceeded to break the alien's joints enunciating each slam with a shouted word. "DON'T" he shouted shattering the man's right knee cap with a resounding crunch "YOU" he roared driving the blunt object into the red skinned male's left knee cap as he writhed in pain. "DARE" He cried smashing the man's thumb as blood sloshed out the open wound and bits of flesh flecked the table. "CALL HER UGLY MOTHERFUCKER!" Each screamed word was another finger until Grease's fingers were spread all over the table in miniscule chunks and pieces.

Grease was screaming in pain now as the blood started to pool all over the table.

Gaz stared at all the blood and seemed perplexed; looking to Zim for an answer she quickly received one. "He's a Veinalien, they have ridiculous amounts of blood and this one's nice and full."

Guy was weeping by this point and screamed out "Okay okay I'll talk. We were working for a Pale skin by the name of Yetsalt. We were delivering a shipment of Weeping salts and Grass toes. He's been working out of some planet he calls Earth. He said something about his daughter starting to get rebellious. Go figure a girl like that has daddy issues."

Zim smiled in satisfaction as he took Gaz by the hand and led her out into the hall.

Zim started telling Gaz everything he knew that she wanted to know without even being asked.

"Yetsalt is and infamous crime lord known throughout the stars. Even the Irken armada is after him. Pale skins are all but extinct. They used to have a proper species name but they stopped being allowed to use it when most of them ended up turning to lives of crime and debauchery. Their race was naturally endowed with either silly amounts of strength or stupid amounts of agility. To top all of that off their seemingly smooth skin is made up of a material that can't be pierced by the strongest of alloys although according to the reports they were surprisingly smooth to the touch. Almost all of them were killed when their planet was destroyed by Bolertans, who were wiped out by the surviving Pale Skins. If he's on Earth and we just disrupted his shipment you can bet there'll be trouble. That cover everything?"

"What're weeping salts? What is a grass toe? And what do we do now?"

"Weeping salts and grass toes are special illegal substances that are particularly expensive. As to what we're going to do." He looked around. "We still have two witnesses."

Gaz grinned wickedly "I call the chainsaw, that fat ass deserves a piece of my mind."

"Fine but I want to feed bits of his brains to him bit by bit so let my pak arms do their job."

"They can do that?"

"Almost as easily as you can blink."

"Now that's a tool I wouldn't mind getting my hands on."

Zim's face darkened a little at this "I hope I never need to you a pak. It would mean you were in serious peril and there's no guarantee that the pak wouldn't have negative side effects."

Gaz seeing Zim's deep brooding decided to take his mind off of it's current track "What about the skinny one?"

"He hasn't done anything to piss us off. Just push him on his knees and fire a bullet into one of his hearts through his shoulder."

"One of them?"

"Don't worry I'll shoot the others for you just for future reference."

"Alright Gaz agreed beaming."

They held hands as they strolled back into the room and the door closed with a silent click that rang of a comfortable finality.

Huh what do you know there was a little bit of darkness to that chapter… Ooops.

God I hope this story is rated correctly.

Sorry the chapter was a day late.

Be good Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Quanza, Happy Hanukah, whatever have freakin fun. Just don't do it at my place, I don't need the cops barking up my tree thank you very much. The morgue is already under inspection due to the fact that we do what we like to call 'Discreet Burial Services'

Off my rocker and dancing with psychotic glee

The sikeokilla

EWC


	10. A series of oddly coordinated events

Welcome back thinning viewers, here at the old morgue we've had quite the increase in bodies, seems that the secret couple has been quite busy. Not surprisingly the police are completely useless when it comes to catching actual threats to society so the two mass murderers have been able to continue their slow genocide of the human race uninhibited. One man was pinned up as a giant dissection subject on a back alley wall; one woman had poison injected in small doses into specific parts of her brain before eventually entering a completely vegetative state. Zim had been tracking mysterious pale skinned crime lord but hadn't had any luck, until just an hour or so earlier when he finally found a supposedly-human being matching the description of the kingpin in question. Now Zim, Gaz, and Skoodge are following said lead. But before we get to that it's time for the...

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><p>REVIEW KORNER<p>

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><p>#1 Zim'sMostLoyalServant<p>

I'm glad that you're savoring the few twists and turns I've added so far but rest assured that this story is going to become more like a corkscrew with each passing chapter...hopefully.

#2 i3zim

No arguments here. It's kind of odd how even though they're doing something so horrendous it still comes across cute in the couple development side of things.

#3 DakuhiroUzumaki

Actually I wasn't trying to stay canon but I'm glad that you thought it was, makes me feel Vasquez-special. In all actuality Zim has a rather sporadic personality so falling in love would happen quite quickly as opposed to a slow agonizing process. Also it's already been stated that Zim is quite defective so he wouldn't function on a normal level. I do not want you to think that I am stating that Zim is fickle; far from it he devotes his life to those he worships. You don't have to love the holidays to enjoy the company of psychopaths, the fun people.

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><p>I will not do a special ZTE chapter for every holiday but you can count on me putting out a story that pertains to the holiday in question somewhere. The new years of 2012 was the exception, I was busy crossing my fingers in anticapation of the explosion that would wipe us all from the material plane.<p>

Anywho onto the story...

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><p>Chapter 10: The trail of the pale<p>

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><p>Skoodge stared straight at the intersection skeptically before breaking the silence inside of the modified car hovering twenty feet over the street, "Zim I don't think he's here."<p>

"Please when Zim tracks his quarry he leaves nothing to chance. I am positive that he is in there."

"You sat for two hours staring at a donut!"

"The donut spoke to me."

"I'm positive that there's not a chance in hell that the donut spoke to you. I'm also POSITIVE that you're just following a hunch."

"Well I'm ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE..."

"HA! Only fools are absolutely positive."

"Are you sure?" Zim said with a sly smile and a finger under his chin.

"I'm absolutely positive... wait DAMNIT!"

Gaz listened to the two argue over Zim's abilities as a tracker as she stared out the side window at the streets which were being drenched by torrential rain. She watched the humans who passed under their vehicle, the stupid insects never once thought to look up. They were pathetic she thought with a small inward snarl. Those who were smart enough to think for themselves were eliminated or ridiculed into submition by a larger population of moronic peers. They all deserved to pay, she and Zim both agreed that it had to be done. They'd been working on a plan to take over the sad ball of dust, water, and pollution for a few days. The takeover itself wouldn't actually be all that difficult, people are stupid and panicy, and at the first sign of hostile extraterrestrials they'd attempt to make peace due to excessive fear. After a faux treaty it would be a synch to get all of the world leaders in the same building and from there the rest was simple. Gaz grimaced as she watched a group of organized hoodlums all following a young girl obviously intent on abduction for their own twisted devices. She glared as she watched everyone who saw the events taking place turn away and ignore the happenings.

Some of the goth kids at her school talked about how they were going to enjoy watching the world burn. She always scoffed at these people and told them that they were huge tools. The world was already burning but everyone was either too shy to speak up, too blind to see it, or too stupid to understand what was going on.

"There he is! HA! Take that Skoodge."

"Alright, alright you don't have to rub it in."

"Yes I do. If I don't rub the salt into the wound you won't remember not to buy the wrong brand next time."

"What does that even mean?"

Before the squabling could continue Gaz interrupted the two, "BOYS!"

Zim and Skoodge turned to give Gaz a quizzical look. "Yes Gazelene?" Zim questioned.

"If you two morons are jabbering at each other then who's watching the guy we're supposed to be following?"

They both turned to see that the man was gone. "Damnit Zim!" Skoodge yelled.

"Oh so now it's my fault?"

"It never WASN"T your fault."

Gaz groaned as climbed into the front seat. "Ugh. Zim you get in the passenger seat, Skoodge into the back with you."

Skoodge crawled into the back and sat himself in the middle of the three seats while Zim just gawked open mouthed. "But.."

"Butts are for seats and yours is in the wrong damn one."

Zim harrumphed as he moved over to the passenger seat. His lower lip jutted out in a pout as his arms folded over on one another. He mumbled something obscure under his breath.

"Zim..." Gaz growled in a low warning tone "Don't whine, you're better than that."

Zim grinned at this tiny ego boost. "Ah so you admit that I, ZIM am good."

Gaz would have face palmed if she wasn't busy following the car their quarry had entered. "Zim, you can pat yourself on the back later."

"I'd rather make contact with YOUR back." Zim purred.

Gaz smirked at this, "Oh behave."

As Gaz continued to follow the pale skinned alien a sound emitted from the backseat, it sounded a bit like the air hissing out of a wet balloon through a small opening. Zim and Gaz turned to find Skoodge gasping in horror while looking back and forth between the two "You...and...and...and you...you're both...how did...when...what have...is that what all those terrible moans were about?"

At the final question (the only coherent one really) Zim smacked Skoodge across the cheek. "Shame on you Skoodge, Gazelene is not that kind of female. Those moans AND groans are part of some experimentation I'm working on when I'm not busy inventing odd items of questionable stability. My pet project right now is Pak and Human bonding, I'm trying to see which fuses need to be rerouted and which circuits change what. So far it's gone horribly, for the test subjects anyway. My research is quite thorough and soon I'll be able to move into the final stages and start production on the NeedlePak."

"Look the Pale skinned guy is stopping." Gaz hissed.

As the three stared down at the house an odd noise emitted itself from Skoodge's throat, the noise lay somewhere between a strangled scream and a gasp of true shock.

"Skoodge that's not what's happening up here, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Skoodge just stared wide eyed at the house. "That's Zita's house."

Zim cocked his eyebrow at his compatriot, "The who now?"

"Zita the blue haired girl from school." Skoodge said.

Upon seeing that this response failed to lessen Zim's confusion Gaz turned to Zim and with a frustrated frown on her face, "The girl that Skoodge likes. The one who came to Thanksgiving." the purple haired Membrane stated flatly.

A large ripping noise was heard followed by a high pitched laugh which came from skoodge's right and Gir, who had suddenly appeared began singing a song  
>"Skoodge and Zita sittin on a rug<br>Zita screams when she sees a bug  
>First comes the stompin<br>Then comes the huggin  
>Then the happy couple does the bump bump lovin."<p>

Skoodge scowled at Gir, "That's not how it is, we're just friends."

"That's not what it says in your journal you said..."

Skoodge quickly cut Gir off with a question that was dormant in the other vehicle's occupants' minds, "Gir how'd you even get here."

Gir sat with a blank stare before simply stating with a huge smile, "I dunno."

Zim glared unamusedly "Gir I know it's difficult to imagine that you can, but I need you to try and think. If doing that somehow leads to to remembering how you accomplished this impossible feat that would be quite helpful."

"Hmmmmm... Ooo wait I do remember."

Gaz gave sent an amused smile Zim's way, "This oughta be good."

Zim nodded curtly, "Yes Gir, please enlighten us as to how you accomplished this amazing... thing."

"Weeelll, I was at the club an the music was all 'boochoo bada boopa boochoo ba boopa BANG!' And then my friends were like 'Gir-monster do that thing you do' then the hot dog killed the DJ so after we pushed him under the table with the smelly security guard with the bullet hole that Oscar said was a flesh wound everyone was like 'put metal man up there yo' so I get's up there and I 'say yo yo yo wussup diss be da man o metal and I be rockin and sockin till da robots cry home'. I changed the beat to 'goo ba da gooboochooroo' and I lay down some ryhmes and then the pigs come breakin in da front so everyone else scat for the back but I screams 'I gots me a idea and it kinda hurts' then I sprung up the fire escape and leaped from building to building then they sent flying bacon my way so I used a bouncy sheet on a shiny red wheely thing to get away and I landed here with you guys." Gir beamed pride as he finished his tale. After a small awkward silence the mentally challenged robot whispered, "I love you guys Imma take a nap."

The three just shrugged the sleeping robots crazy story off and returned to the discussion they'd been having befor the cyan eyed wild child burst into the middle. "So Skoodge not to be rude but does this mean that we can't, you know maim him?" Zim asked passively.

"Well I don't know what would you do if Proffessor Membrane was a crime lord?"

"Probably just leave the decision up to Gaz." Zim blurted less than a second of deliberation.

"Well that sounds good I suppose..."

Gaz scowled at the two for being so indecisive. "So after going to the trouble of finding this guy we've basically decided not to take any action at all?"

Zim smirked just a little bit as he saw that Gaz was clearly pouting in her own way. "Don't worry dearest I can tell that you're antsy but fear not, I've got a speacial treat waiting for you at home."

Gaz's countenance brightened just a tad at this. "Is it an..."

"...annoying bratty teen socialite? Nope."

Gaz growled in frustration at this answer.

"I got you two. There was a male AND a female and they were both equally obnoxious so I couldn't figure out which one you'd want to kill more. I decided to forgo the decision and get you both. AND I also got you this." Zim said with a smile as he pulled out a shiny silver case.

"Is that what I think it is."

"If you were guessing a cute fluffy rabbit then no, but if your guess was extraterrestrial power tools straight from a Grocallion physician then you were dead right."

"You're the best Zim."

Skoodge's head came over the back seat, "Don't say that too often or his head will grow to Dib-like proportions from all the praise."

As the three of them all laughed the radio crackled as Tak's voice came onto their speakers, "Zim you need to come home right NOW. It's an emergency."

Zim picked up the transmitting end of the radio which very closely resembled a pack with extended legs. "That's impossible Gir's here with us."

"Just get your ass home quick alright."

"Okay okay sheesh."

Gaz raised an eyebrow in an unasked question and Zim answered with a shrug of his shoulders and the drive home was made in silence. Gaz was excited to try out the power tools on her two 'gifts' and Skoodge and Zim were curious as to what could constitute as an emergency without involving the loveable yet prone-to-causing-accidents as well as accident prone robot in the back seat.

All four of the passengers made their way into the base through the garage door and Zim locked the car. As they walked into the living room they found Tak, Dib, and Mimi all sitting on the couch.

Zim sighed as he asked the inevitable question. "Alright what's this 'big emergency'?"

As if on cue a female irken of an approximate height of 5' 4" walked out of the kitchen with a waffle in her mouth. Her large cyan eyes stared up at Zim as she gave the group a quirky smile. "Hi Zim." She said rather excitedly.

Zim stared down at the slightly shorter irken girl "Grimm what are you doing here?"

"What's wrong surprised to see me... big bro?"

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><p>EWC:Boom! Let the hate mail come marching in because after this I doubt that my fan base is going to hold. Especially given how long it took me to write so little. Freeze la Jeez I coulda done that quicker. I apologize but on behalf of myself I'd like to say...it was C's fault.<p>

CodyWilliamEllis: You son of a fat frog.

JackGrahamTyson: Well he's not wrong.

EWC: Oh please like you were any help with your constant nagging and pessimistic attitude.

JGT: Oh sure blame the cool kid for all your problems.

CWE: We'd push you off a cliff if it weren't for the fact that we'd have to follow.

EWC: And it would be a technical suicide.

CWE: Eh yeah sure whatever.

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><p>RR&amp;W see you next time.<p> 


	11. Old Potato Chips

Welcome back to the discreet funeral morgue where pickled eyeballs are a choice and the term chicken fingers is accurate. We have with us in the studio a known homeless man and former mental patient Rock M Socm. Say hi Rock.

"Egh whasat Mr. eggplant."

I've injected Mr. Rock with an experimental toxin designed to drive him even more psychotic than he is now.

"Yes we can. Change is the future. I'm going to cut spending by increasing the use of our money."

I see it's already taking effect. If anyone has a complaint about this just remember what our good friend El Squezz stated in issue #3 of his comic series based on the torture of a genetically engineered pink rabbit, " Everything is funny, so long as you know it's a joke nothing is offensive." In my own words if you can't find the humor then go somewhere else.

"I like waffles!"

I believe our good friend Rock is entering the final stage of his mental deterioration, in fact I'd say he's about one brain cell homicide shy of being a vegetable. So while I dispose of our extremely special guest we'll scroll away into the Review Korner.

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><p><strong>Review Korner<strong>

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><p>#1 Dearest zero grim<p>

I would like to congratulate you on such an awesome name pick and would like to thank you for taking the time to comment.

Whimsically yours  
>The sikeokilla<br>EWC

#2 Dear ThomasDaPsycho

Of what branch of mental instability are you from? You neednt answer it was simply a curiosity. The truth is I always felt that Gir must have had awesome adventures due to the fact that Zim didn't pay alot of attention to him and he could go wherever he pleased. Thus I tried to convey this in my story and I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

Charismatically yours  
>The sikeokilla<br>EWC

P.s. The 'hot dog stab' as it's known is a move coined and copyrighted by Gir himself, using this to murder someone could bring Gir to your doorstep and this is not necessarily going to be a pleasant experience, just ask Zim.

#3 My good friend Zim'sMostLoyalServant

I'm so glad that you're still following this story though I know that it's probably just for the Ziminess. I've been planning that twist since the beginning and I'm glad that you found it intriguing. Gir's explanation is more just a 'Gir' thing, when it comes to divulging information Gir's information is always either wrong or difficult to understand. Three guesses which that one was and the first two don't count.

Good-naturedly yours  
>The sikeokilla<br>EWC

#4 Dear Xeno Tyrant

I am so pleased that you've enjoyed it thus far and I hope to hear from you again in the future.

Simply yours  
>The sikeokilla<br>EWC

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><p>Now that the formalities are out of the way let's get right back to where we left off. And I do apologize for the wait.<p>

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><p>Chapter 11: Old potato chips<p>

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><p>Tak stared at her tea as she sipped it whilst seated on the far left end of the overstuffed purple couch in the living room. Dib and Mimi flanked her from either side each avoiding eye contact with the newly reunited siblings. Gaz had gone into the kitchen to chaperone Gir as he baked his waffles. Zeke and Skoodge had gone down to the underground lab to ' modify Zeke's programming to something more agreeable', which was an obvious lie as it had failed so many times before.<p>

Zim stood staring down at his sister as she waited for a reply to her question.

Grimm was obviously impatient to get an answer as she was bouncing up and down like a child who very much had to use the restroom.

Zim rubbed the back of his neck and lifted his shoulders slightly "I must admit that I am both surprised and happy to see you. Though the surprise comes more from the fact that you're currently employed as the Tallests' Freminty."

"What's a Freminty?" Dib asked with a cocked eyebrow.

Tak sighed at the big headed boy's ignorance, "Dib a Freminty is a special type of assassin assigned to take orders from the tallest alone."

Dib stared at the people around him who looked like they were willing themselves to shrink to a microscopic size. "Is she here to kill one of you? Is that why everyone is so quiet?"

Mimi started swinging her feet back and forth and watching her hologram's feet as the room went from very quiet to a new level of silence that was near deafening. Tak released her pained-looking cringe to answer Dib, "Well either she's here for one of us and only one of us is in trouble or she broke protocol to come visit her banished brother, which is very bad."

"Well what happens if it's the second one?"

"If she broke protocol then we are ALL fucked."

Grimm swiveled her neck to give Tak a quizzical look "There's rules?"

Tak's eyes squinted shut "Oh my god we're all gonna die."

Zim gawked at his younger sibling with something between disbelief and shock. "How could you not know that? They teach it on the first day of your training."

"It was boring so I tuned it out." Grimm said with a shrug.

"How can you possibly be related to me? You don't even pay attention when people talk to you!"

Tak, Dib, and Mimi all gave Zim the same incredulous look and after the irony of the statement made it's way into the kitchen Gaz popped her head out to give Zim a frown of disappointment as if to say ' I thought you were smarter than that.'

Grimm giggled "Big brother I'm not even around you very often and even I'm not gonna touch that one with a twenty foot pole."

" If none of you is going to correct him then I'll have to and that's something that I really don't want to deal with right now, I'm trying to keep Gir from adding random things to the recipe."

Tak and Zim both shuddered at the memory of Gir's 'special' pancakes. Mimi shook her head in a sad resignation "Don't bother, I've tried it before and it never works out. You can watch him the entire time and he'll still somehow manage to get things in. Just let him use the nonlethal stuff like ketchup and you'll all survive the meal."

"What do you mean 'you'll'?" Gaz asked.

"Duh, I'm a robot. I'll survive no matter what's in the waffles because I don't have any weak organs."

Dib suddenly raised his hand like a good school child who was waiting patiently to be called upon. Tak sighed in exasperation "What is it NOW Dib?"

"What were we talking about before the waffles?" The room grew quiet as everyone tried to remember what was being discussed beforehand.

Gaz being the first to remember snapped her fingers in eureka, "We were about to tell Zim that he doesn't pay attention when other people talk."

The red eyed male gasped, "That is not true Zim listens when others talk."

Gaz turned to the ceiling, "Computer?"

The cynical vocals of the machine blared to life, "I already know where you're going with this and the answer is yes. Do you want everything since last week which spans six hours of footage OR do you want every instance since arrival which by my calculations happened more than two million times over a combined total of forty hours?"

"Damnit computer..."

"Alright queen of mean I get ya, I'll just roll today's footage."

A large screen rolled down from the sealing and proceeded to shoot a proceeding of images showing Zim ignoring people who spoke to him, normally ending with him being beaten senseless. The last of which was a live action taping of Zim staring off into space as the montage continued behind him.

"Case closed." Computer droned.

"Huh?" Zim grunted as he turned to face the group. "What? What's everyone staring at?"

"Zim I love you to death but you have got to learn to pay attention."

Dib promptly began making wheezing and squawking noises on the couch as Tak patted him on the back, trying to calm him Dib caught his breath he began asking questions in gasps. "You... and...and you... when did...how did...why the...I think I'm gonna faint."

Zim stared at Dib with a slight annoyance before replying to his odd ramblings. "Jeez DIb it's not like we did anything wro... Oh never mind, we did do terrible things, but in my defense your sister wanted to. Besides we both enjoyed ourselves despite some minor discomfort on the part of the receiving parties."

"Is that why you always carry those big bags when you leave the house Gaz?" DIb screeched in a panicky voice.

Gaz realizing the implications that Zim had unwittingly made started trying to correct Dib's vision of the relationship but wasn't quite quick enough to stop her boyfriend from nearly giving her trench coat wearing alien chasing brother a heart attack. "Oh Gazelene simply adores toys, personally I can understand the attraction but I enjoy doing everything manually. Besides wetwork is just more fun when you're using your bare hands."

Dib suddenly collapsed on the couch unconscious right after muttering something about not being able to breath.

They all stared at the paranormal investigator as he fell into a fitful reprieve. "Wow, I didn't know that your brother was so shy of murderous talk."

Gaz clenched the bridge of her nose before gruffly replying "Zim my brother thought you were talking about us doing the horizontal monster mash."

"Oh please we haven't known each other that long, besides even Dib isn't dumb enough to think that we've done that."

"WAFFLES ARE READY!" came the frenzied cry from the kitchen.

After waking Dib and gathering everyone at the table everyone sat down to a rather quiet meal followed by an in depth discussion of how screwed they actually were...

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><p>Which we'll cover in another chapter...<p>

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><p>EWC: sorry that it's not really satisfactory and took way too long to release, hell it's not even up to MY standards and trust me it's hard to get that low.<p>

JGT: You're telling me

CWE+EWC: SHUT UP!

JGT: I'm sorry but this chapter blew whales for quarters.

CWE: Ugh why do we get caught up in these things.

EWC: It's a side effect of being human, we're inherently stupid.

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><p>Remember folks, read review and try not to get discouraged. Next chapter will be better...probably.<p> 


	12. Sorrowful Hiatus

Welcome back all ye faithful to the discreet funeral morgue. I'm your beast with the least, The Sikeokilla.

When last we left our cast they were sitting down to see if there was anyway out of the mess that they are currently in. To recap "The Tallests' are coming! The Tallests' are coming!" Is anyone else noticing the lack of creativity in these later chapters? I apologize if you too have noticed this but I just can't seem to stay interested in these ideas for as long as they run. This is mostly due to the fact that I have no idea where to end them. So in the event of this happening you get these terrible chapters, and I do apologize for that ladies and gentlemen I seriously do. But I've recently begun a time consuming life style and can't keep up with trying to come up with new chapters all the time. So I'm putting this story on ice until further notice. Much like Walt Disney it will eventually come back out of this cryo-freeze but I need time to let the creativity flow back into the part of my mind that handles this story.

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><p>Review Korner<p>

#1 REDEADED

I'm glad you enjoyed it and I will continue to write I just won't have anything new on this story for a little while longer.

#2 Zim'sMostLoyalServant

Thank you for continuing to read this story even though it's gotten progressively worse. I appreciate your excellent patronage.

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><p>TTFN everybody<p>

The sikeokilla

EWC


	13. Soggy fries

Welcome back everybody. I sincerely hope that you've all enjoyed my small retreat. I also hope that you are thoroughly ready to begin enjoying the series once again. So without further ado here you are.

Tak glared down at the waffles in front of her, "I have mentioned just how viciously fucked we are haven't I?"

Zim stared at Tak with an expression caught between indifference and annoyance. "Yes you have told us. MANY times."

"How many more times are you gonna curse Tak? It's losing it's sting and I still haven't gotten to use any." Zeke stated dryly yet for once his anger wasn't mocking.

Gir smiled before screaming,"As many times as the author get in without getting trolled."

"Ignore this syrup covered robot of Zim's." Zim screamed throwing his arms around a smoke cloud where Gir had once been. "Where did my psycho robot with a younger brother complex go?" Zim yelled with a loud and concerned squeal.

Grimm gazed at her brother with confusion written on her face. "What's the big deal he'll be back right."

Zim grimaced "Yes but that'll be hours in the least extreme case. Most likely weeks but months are always a possibility."

Grimm grimaced (heh) "Really, that doesn't sound like a reliable thing for a SIR unit to do."

Zeke rolled his eyes "You're tellin me."

Gaz grinned at the thought of Gir, "Aw but this place just wouldn't be the same without Gir. It's that oddness that makes Gir so loveable. He's like the pied piper with women."

"Not to detract from Gir's awesome personality but I'd like to draw your attentions back to the planet-wide crisis approaching us. Matter of fact I calculate that whoever they send will be high up on the metaphorical ladder. I'd bet that the tallest themselves willeven show up just eo make sure that everyone knows how serious they are with this case. No trial or anything just obliteration of the guilty girl and whatever planet she's nearest."

Suddenly Dib jumped up on the table. "I must be the one to save humanity."

"So you have a plan?" Zim asked with a pointed skepticism.

Dib faltered "Well no not exactly..."

Gaz mimicked Zim's expression "Some awesome weapon of one kind or another."

"Well no but I.."

"I'm gonna stop you right there Dib. I'll admit that you have your strengths but it's obvious that planning and maintaining a weapons cache are not among them. I on the other hand..."

Zim didn't bother finishing this last sentence, instead opting to stomp on the tiled floor revealing a panel with numbers. After quickly tapping in the code he waited whilst the table sunk down to be replaced by a large metallic replica with all sorts of makeshift weaponry and other such equipment. "Created with both foreign and domestic parts and guaranteed to be all the more powerful for it. Now the plan is that we board the massive using a spacecraft of my own design and utelize the cloaking engine in order to board the massive. Everyone is in the landing party with the exception of Skoodge and Gir."

Skoodge glared up at Zim with a salute on his brow and hurt in his eyes "Sir I fell that I'm combat ready, sir."

Zim shook his head, "Skoodge you are to deal with your girlfriend's father."

"She'd not my..."

"Irrelevant."

"Fair enough."

"Gear up and then we're gone."

Gaz chose a large shotgun that had a scatter modifier attached and plasma in the shot wads, best used up close and certain to make quite a mess. Dib chose a standard issue laser rifle (assault infantry issue of course) with a firing speed amplifier and a hair trigger, mostly ordinary but with a little zip to it. Zeke chose a beam sword with a build modeled after the japanese katana, short sharp and quick. Tak chose a small slender looking pistol which practically vibrated with energy she had once heard zim describe it as a hand cannon in the smallest possible package. Mimi grabbed a hover board with bladed sides (Back to the future or into it?) lethal but fun. Zim picked up two small custom made pistols. When I say custom made I mean that Zim got the best part he could find and added it to the collage that formed his second best tech design.

Zim grabbed a duffel off of the table and threw it to Gaz and Dib. "You'll need these."

The whir of the zipper was followed by two gasps which were then followed by a second chorus of gasps. "Are these..."

"Yep, those are the first two fully operational Earth-Paks© they'll pull all of your vital organs into that metal housing, then the wires will attatch to your spine allowing you the use of your pak appendages. The number of appendages depends on the strength of the user. Four is pretty good three's average you get the jist of it just put them on, time is of the essence."

Gaz pak seemed to acclimate quickly to it's host and at the end of the process Gaz was propped up on six pak arms. Dib's Pak did not go on as well.

"AH IT BURNS!"

"No time to wait Dib you'll just have to adjust on the ride over to the massive." Zim screamed dragging a squirming Dib to the ship.

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><p>Hours later on the massive...<p>

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><p>"Well that's rather disappointing." Zim said with a grimace at all the blood he didn't get to spill. The outcasts and the two humans were all staring up at Gir who was sanding over the decapitated bodies of the tallest with a sword he'd made by ripping the bumper off of an earth vehicle.<p>

Gaz stared up at Gir with a platonic affection normally reserved for siblings "He killed just about everyone on this ship."

"Anticlimactic!" Gir screamed.

"My organs hurt." Dib complained grabbing at his back.

Zim shrugged his shoulders ignoring Dib's statement altogether "Eh ,that's one way to end it I suppose, good job Gir. Now let's all go home."

"And have waffles?" Gir coaxed.

Zim smiled with a resigned sigh, "Yes Gir," he grabbed Gaz' hand and looked into her eyes "and have waffles."

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><p>I like the end it's unpredictable slightly idiotic and completely anticlimactic. Yet in all that it also has a happy sappy finish.<p>

Haven't decided if this is the 'true' end but I think I'll probably leave it like this. My only regret is that I didn't draw out the build up. Ah well.

TTFN  
>The sikeokilla<br>EWC

P.s. *Saints come marching in tune*

Oh when the hate mail

Oh when the hate mail

Oh when the hate mail comes flyin in

I'm gonna laugh my friggin butt off

Because hate can't make me change the end

EVERYBODY NOW!


	14. Psyche, Gotcha

Hello Dear viewers.

I thank you for putting up with my spelling mistakes and numerous run on sentences. I really should look into an editor. But regardless of my mistakes this message is about you. When last I wrote this series I wasn't even old enough to drink and I let you all stew for a good few years to the point where the joke ran sour. But I must confess when I saw the stats for this story I was shocked. And so the long overdue punchline is here. Just like the name of the chapter this is the twist beyond the twist. And I hope that it's every bit as good as the wait you didn't know you were committing to.

Hysterically (only in my own mind) Yours

The sikeokilla

EWC

"Well that's rather disappointing." Zim said with a grimace at all the blood he didn't get to spill. The outcasts and the two humans were all staring up at Gir who was standing over the decapitated bodies of the tallest with a sword he'd made by ripping the bumper off of an earth vehicle.

Gaz stared up at Gir with a platonic affection normally reserved for siblings "He killed just about everyone on this ship."

"Anticlimactic!" Gir screamed.

"My organs hurt." Dib complained grabbing at his back.

Zim shrugged his shoulders ignoring Dib's statement altogether "Eh ,that's one way to end it I suppose, good job Gir. Now let's all go home."

"And have waffles?" Gir coaxed.

Zim smiled with a resigned sigh, "Yes Gir," he grabbed Gaz' hand and looked into her eyes "and have waffles."

As the youths turned to exit the Massive's throne room however the ship shifted violently. Zim frowned and looked to Tak who nodded her ascension to some unasked question. Zim roared for everyone to follow him at a quick pace. The hallways seemed much longer now that the ship was shaking in protest and they had just closed the latch on their own spacecraft when an explosion sounded from the center of the Massive and their vessel was thrown into chaos. Darkness ensued in all of their minds as they blacked out from the trauma to their skulls. Existence seemed to come in clips and bits, like an older bit of film that had seen extreme duress and mistreatment over the years. A flicker of a humongous ship soaring past their viewports. Flashes of glaring lights shining painfully bright into their faces as they were each hurried along a respective corridors. And white rooms with plush white beds and pristine white sheets, each identical to the last of course as each of them was unconscious during much of the event there was no way to convey this to the others.

Zim was the first to come to, he patted himself furiously seeking some sort of weapon to inflict pain on those who would dare attack him and his own. But as this thought passed through his mind the anger subsided into frantic fear as he began tearing the room apart in a desperate attempt to recover the only thing that seemed to matter at the moment. Gaz.

The lights seemed to be piercing his skull and he hid beneath his bed huddled in a tightly bunched ball completely at a loss until this too ebbed away from his mind. He crawled out from under the bed frame and brushed off his clothes thinking in a calculated manner about how he was to escape. As his thoughts returned to Gaz he felt hyper tension setting back in and retreating beneath his furniture once more suddenly realized that the stimuli causing these effects must indeed be the lighting fixtures. He crawled beneath his bunk and began to scheme.

All the while Zim was going through this Gaz a cell over was sweating profusely, she felt as though she were baking. Her skin seemed to be far hotter than what she imagined must be healthy and she peeled layer after layer of clothing away in an attempt to alleviate herself of this burden to no avail. At last she was stark naked but for the Pak on her back and she turned to this as well trying desperately to separate it from her body as though her very existence depended on it. As the Pak gave a groan of frustration that only metal can roll out the lights in her room suddenly went out and she could spy glistening brown beings on the other side of glass that she was quite sure had previously been a wall. She soon felt cold as a chilling croak belched over the microphone. "We were quite enjoying the show human belched the rather grotesquely rotund being on the right. A forked green thing sliding from what must be his mouth to slither rather noisily across his already moist lips issuing a great smacking noise. "However we do need you alive and if our intelligence is to be believed you would not survive very long without that device that's now encroaching on your spine."

Gazelene gained back her faculties and traced her fingertips over the freezing alloy based device delicately as though it might become offended and shatter in defiance.

The second alien was much skinnier and mammary protrusions told Gaz that it was a female. The voice that parted from it's lips was silken and soft "We'll leave you to your thoughts human as you probably have many things to ponder."

And then she was alone in the dark with no idea where she was or whom was currently holding her captive. She pulled back on her sweat drenched clothes wishing that her lover was close, for comfort or stress relief even she wasn't sure.

Several halls over Dib was struggling with his own demons though he was so lost in himself it would have been impossible for him to be made aware of this.

"They're all around us, always watching. You never know when you'll see your next one. Always keep an eye wary and your fist closed. They're all around us, always watching. You never." He continued babbling the same lines over and over and getting progressively louder and faster until it blurred together into an unintelligible roar.

Across the hall Tak stood statuesque in her stillness staring into the wall with blank glassy eyes. Her uncomprehending gaze was nearly as empty and lifeless as her mind at the moment. The soft tap of water dripping from the corner of her mouth as her systems continued to produce saliva whilst the muscles in her mouth were numb and not working to swallow any of the drool.

Indeed the only indication that she was alive came in a slight quiver of her antenna every three minutes.

Watching all of this was a firmly muscled male of about five and a half units high in a black robe with crimson hair and luminous grey eyes. He was so close in physiology to a human being that if not for the eyes filled with color rather than human irises with a single ring of said color he could almost be mistaken for such.

He turned to glare down at the three beings tied to chairs before him. These small figures shuddered as they watched all of these images with bulging eyes. The larger figure before them chortled darkly, "You know I'd just love to see the two of you in a cell like that but seeing as how my daughter is enamored with you." His voice grew lower as he glared at Skoodge. "And I'd actually like to pick the brain of a Freminty myself. Taking into account that robots aren't affected by Quandran brain torture light fixtures. Granted they only exagerate a more recessed part of the mind in order to cause crippling behavior. Well it just makes sense to keep you all here."

One of the small robots spoke with a quavering feminine voice. "Where is Gir?" She wailed as liquid leaked from her ocular orifices.

"The erratic one had to be put into another room to keep his antics constrained...also I don't like the songs he keeps singing."

"What do you want with us?" Skoodge asked staring up into the face of his love interest's father.

An evil grin cracked their captors mouth "Well the Ex-Freminty will fetch a high price at a slave auction, the robots are worth a small chunk of change except the sporadic one who'll have to be sold for scrap. The others are all plenty useful enough without being sold. But you my friend are the jewel of my daughter's eye so you'll either agree to my conditions and court her properly or I'll sell you at the most illicit and gritty back alley auction I can find. Understood."

The tiny soldier nodded.

"Then we understand one another. Our first stop is Ythrat, you know it as the Shadowy Marketplace."

The large craft continued on it's way as the majority of the inhabitants within stuggled with their own minds barely registering that they would soon be in a far worse place.

Ah this feels good, writing again I mean, I hope you'll all enjoy this latest chapter as it has been along time coming. Soon I'll have more on this tale though even I have no idea where it's going.

Enjoy

The sikeokilla

EWC


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